Category Archives: Life Lessons

Wisdom gained

Sofia DeMay: Giving back to kids in Haiti and on a global level

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You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.
– Kahlil Gibran, Lebanese-American artist, poet, and writer

Selling Girl Scout cookies, at age 11.

Selling Girl Scout cookies, at age 11.

Throughout her young life, Sofia DeMay, 17, has always been involved in community service. Guided by her desire to give back to the community, through her years as a Girl Scout, Sofia has packed and delivered groceries for the elderly, cooked for the Harrison House at Children’s Hospital in Oakland, and gone Christmas caroling, among other activities. I’ve known Sofia since David and I became good friends with her parents, Raissa and Mike, about five years ago. Sofia babysat our kids when they were younger, and I’ve watched her grow up to be an articulate, conscientious, intelligent, and beautiful person inside and out. When Raissa told me about her impending trip to Haiti back in February, I knew I wanted to hear about her experiences when she got back.

Opening hearts, opening doors
As a senior this past year at St. Mary’s College High School in Berkeley, Sofia was drawn to a program affiliated with her school and founded by parent alumna Margaret Trost. In January 2000, Trost went to Haiti on a service trip, volunteering at an orphanage and hospice founded by Mother Teresa. She met Father Gerard Jean-Juste, a Haitian priest who wanted to establish a food program to serve the children of Port-au-Prince. Inspired, Trost returned to the U.S. and began raising money for his cause. As the fundraising took off, she founded the What If Foundation (616 The Alameda, Berkeley, CA 94707, 510.528.1100), which helps support Father Jean-Juste’s food, after-school, and summer education programs. As one of St. Mary’s students who helped put together care packages for Haitian kids under the What If Foundation, Sofia was curious about Haiti. “I had heard about it, but I had never actually learned about it,” she said.

Sofia with a new Haitian friend.

Sofia with a new Haitian friend.

Every year, a group of St. Mary’s students raise funds to go to Haiti for a week and work in Father Jean-Juste’s programs. Sofia knew that Haiti had staged a successful slave rebellion, but her perception of the small island nation was largely informed by negative media coverage – poverty, diseases such as AIDS, political unrest, and violence. On the list of countries that the U.S. State Department has issued a travel warning, Haiti was a place Sofia never considered a destination. “I didn’t know it [visiting the country] was something you could do, but I was interested in traveling to a place like that to figure things out for myself,” she said. More importantly, she added, “I was really into building a relationship with kids in another country; that’s what really drew me to it.”

As part of their orientation on cultural awareness, Sofia and nine of her fellow classmates read numerous articles and two books – former Haitian President Jean-Bertrand Aristide’s Eyes of the Heart: Seeking a Path for the Poor in the Age of Globalization and Trost’s On That Day, Everybody Ate: One Woman’s Story of Hope and Possibility in Haiti. After four months of preparation, Sofia and her classmates arrived in Haiti in early March. The philosophy and world religion teachers who chaperone the student groups were accompanied by a translator and a driver. Armed guards watched over them at the places in which they stayed.

A typical street in Haiti (photo by Sofia).

A typical street in Haiti (photo by Sofia DeMay).

Real-world education
On the second day of their trip, Sofia and her classmates met with a local historian who presented the history of her country to them, which included its one-sided relationships within the international community. Sofia was “shocked” upon learning about, for instance, the U.S. embargo and intervention in Haiti. “I realized that what everyone said about Haiti was really wrong and so skewed by the media,” she said. History, she came to see, was written by people in power. “It didn’t hit home until that moment,” she added.

Later in the week, Sofia and her classmates participated in a Q&A with a group of Haitian students and their translator, which exposed the differences between the two countries’ school systems. In the U.S., especially for seniors applying for college – which Sofia and her classmates were in the midst of at the time – students are very competitive and always trying to get head. Haitian students, however, consider education a great privilege because the majority of kids don’t have the financial means to go to school. Students interact within a “brotherhood” or “sisterhood,” helping one another to ensure success for all.

Sofia getting a Haitian drum lesson.

Sofia getting a Haitian drum lesson.

“It was such a moving moment because I would never have thought of that or would have imagined kids back home doing that,” Sofia said. “It was as if they were bound together somehow; they owed it to one another to share the little that they had.” Sofia also noted that the students understood that the enemy isn’t each other; it’s the system and the exam itself. In addition to the prohibitive expense of going to school, the university examination is so difficult that only 1 percent of the population goes on to higher education. With the current government favoring the elite and the gap widening between rich and poor, school, not surprisingly, is not encouraged for the masses.

Life-altering moments
After participating in the after-school program, Sofia and her classmates helped serve meals for the food program, which is run in a huge tent. As the children congregated, the tent filled with their laughter. When it was time to serve, however, Sofia noted that the entire atmosphere changed. The kids ate just as quickly as the food was being served, with many returning to the line, still hungry. The older kids were making sure their younger siblings had enough to eat. Despite the program’s best efforts, there is never enough food to feed all of the kids. “Four of us broke down crying,” Sofia related. “We’ve never experienced that kind of desperation before. At home I can walk into my house and get as much food as I want, whereas these little kids here can’t even get one meal. It put my life into perspective.”

Closing prayer with the kids at Sakala - solidarity.

Closing prayer with the kids at Sakala – solidarity.

Toward the end of their week, Sofia and her classmates visited another after-school program, Sakala, located in Cité Soleil, an impoverished and crowded commune located in the Port-au-Prince metropolitan area. The school, which is walled in, was a different world altogether and a safe haven for the kids, who were happily playing basketball, soccer, and ping-pong in the courtyard. After helping set up a water filter for the school, Sofia and her classmates joined in the sports activities. At the end of the day, despite the language barrier, they banded together and created a mural with handprints. When they ran out of paint, the kids pressed their palms together with the other kids and, smiling, said to one another: “Now you have color! Now you have color!”

Sharing paint for a mural.

Sharing paint for a mural.

“It was such a moving moment because I would never have thought of that or would have imagined kids back home doing that,” Sofia said. “I wrote in my journal that night that I finally felt a purpose in my life. I felt like I was actually making a difference.” Daniel Tileas, who runs Sakala, explained to Sofia and her classmates that the kids don’t care about money; rather, they value knowing that people care about them. “That moment just made me realize that there’s actually something you can do with your life that will fulfill you and that you can truly make a difference,” she said.

A Changing world view
Her experience in Haiti made Sofia question her life and wonder how we as a global society can allow hunger in fourth-world countries to exist. “Coming home, I was so much more aware of things,” she said. Sofia made “little changes” to her lifestyle: She scaled back going out to eat and driving a car, and instead of spending money she had earned, she donated it to the What If Foundation. Whenever the opportunity presented itself, she talked about her trip, with the goal of enlightening her classmates and friends about “cultural consciousness.” At her grandfather’s birthday party in late March, she told one of her grandmother’s friends about Haiti. This friend, who had recently inherited a large sum of money, was so moved by Sofia’s experiences that she donated the entire inheritance to the What If Foundation to help build a school in Haiti.

Sofia and her mother, Raissa, and her grandparents.

Sofia and her mother, Raissa, and her maternal grandparents.

The moment Sofia came home, she knew she would return to Haiti, where she felt she could create more of an impact there than she thought she could at home. She made good on her vow to herself, going back with another group of students – including four returning classmates from her March trip – the last week in July, and further enriching her Haitian experience.

Sofia at her high school graduation, with her parents and brother, Nic.

Sofia at her high school graduation, with her parents and brother, Nic.

Sofia always knew that her career path would involve being able to give back. “I never realized that I could do it on a global scale,” she said, with wonder in her voice, until her trip to Haiti. Sofia, now a freshman at the University of California, Los Angeles, is majoring in Global Studies. “After going to Haiti, I realized there’s so much I don’t know and that we’re either not taught or dictated by the people who write the history books,” she said. As a result, she plans on traveling to other parts of the world and conducting her own research. When I asked what she might do with her career, she brought up a program that builds sanitation systems in the poor areas of Haiti, which combines her love for Haiti, giving back, and biology and ecology, her favorite school subjects. She imagines spearheading a similar type of program after graduation.

Telling Haiti’s story
Sofia talks about Haiti with emotions and descriptions at once vivid and immediate, as if she has just come back. At the end of her first trip, Tileas told Sofia and her classmates that if there is one thing they could do to give back it would be to “tell Haiti’s story.” For Sofia, it has become second nature because, as she said, “Haiti has become such a big part of me.”

Sofia and her family in India, December 2012.

Sofia and her family in India, December 2012.

It’s a ‘What the heck’ Friday

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The best way out is always through.
– Robert Frost, American poet

Thus ends another week in which a lot happened and yet I didn’t accomplish much. It is never a good thing when you go to bed and wake up thinking about work and what you need to do, how you’re going to fix a problem when the visibility is near zero, how time is ticking away as you take on the role of Sisyphus. While I’m glad it’s Friday, I look back to Monday and realize that I didn’t finish anything that I started. Not one, but two projects blow up in the course of a week. There are still fires to put out and people to please. I face yet another weekend of work. My seventh.

Baubles for a Friday: Anthropologie bangle, necklace (Wyler's, Portland, ME), Sundance stack of rings, and Elizabeth Ng antique button ring (Abacus, Portland, ME).

Baubles for a Friday: Grayling earrings (Jenny K, El Cerrito, CA), Anthropologie bangle, necklace (Wyler’s, Portland, ME), Sundance stack of rings, and Elizabeth Ng antique button ring (Abacus, Portland, ME).

And yet, I cheer myself on with various pick-me-up lines such as “this, too, shall pass.” This is a teeny tiny blip in my life. Get through this and you will have hit the jackpot of life. Get through this and my novel awaits me on the other side. Restful sleep awaits me. Breathe deeply. I can do this and be a stronger person. Go me!

Throw red at navy and white polka dots.

Throw red at navy and white polka dots.

And while I try to cheer myself on, I can’t help but think about one of the famous lines from the 1983 movie Risky Business. Joel’s father says to him: “Sometimes, you just gotta say, ‘what the heck.'” (Not what you thought!) Indeed. What. The. Heck. So if you’re going to have to work on the weekend, at least start the weekend off right by going to a party Friday evening. Have that “what the heck” moment or two. And then work hard and get those problems off your back.

My "What the heck" Friday look: comfortable yet ready to get things done.

My “What the heck” Friday look: comfortable yet ready to get things done.

Lunafest 2013/2014: Nine inspiring stories

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I learned to make my mind large, as the universe is large, so that there is room for paradoxes.
– Maxine Hong Kingston, The Woman Warrior

The fabulous women directors, eight of the nine, plus the young lady wrestler.

The fabulous women directors, eight of the nine, plus the young lady wrestler.

Save the date: On Saturday, March 8th, at 7:30pm in the El Cerrito High School Auditorium, the Lunafest East Bay Organizing Committee will present its screening of Lunafest: A film festival by, for, about women. As members of the Lunfest East Bay Organizing Committee, we were honored and treated to watching the nine short films at the World Premiere in San Francisco last Thursday. You can catch a trailer of this year’s short films by clicking on the link on Lunafest’s home page.

Gorgeous floral arrangements and stacks of Luna bars.

Gorgeous floral arrangements and stacks of Luna bars.

Director Danielle Lurie next to the poster of her short film, Tiny Miny Magic.

Director Danielle Lurie next to the poster of her short film, Tiny Miny Magic.

‘Did you catch it?’ The indomitable spirit
Before the screening, special guest Dr. Stacy L. Smith from the University of Southern California’s Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism, talked about her research on gender and film, which I blogged about this past Monday. You can read it here. Following Dr. Smith’s talk, President and CEO of The Breast Cancer Fund, Jeanne Rizzo, RN, spoke. The Breast Cancer Fund, a nonprofit focusing on the identification and advocacy for the elimination of the environmental causes of breast cancer, is a major recipient of funds raised by Lunafest. Rizzo walked onstage with a cane and announced that she had pushed back her knee replacement surgery in order to attend the world premiere. When numerous people asked her how she had hurt her knee and she told them she was playing beach Frisbee, she said her answer elicited three distinct responses that exposed a generational bias. Women her age and older either winced in sympathy or demanded to know why she would put herself in that position as an older woman playing such a physical sport. But then there was a group of women who wanted to know with great interest and excitement: “Did you catch it?” Rizzo proudly affirmed that she had caught the Frisbee, which drew applause from the audience. “I had a moment in the air that felt great,” she exuded. “I connected to the indomitable spirit.”

Director Celia Bullwinkel by her Sidewalk film poster.

Director Celia Bullwinkel by her Sidewalk film poster.

In highlighting that indomitable spirit, Rizzo was referencing the work of Lunafest, the creativity and inspiration of the nine women filmmakers, and every one of us out in the audience. It was quite infectious. The message is to bring our own indomitable spirit to bear. Bring it to the surface. Be free, unencumbered. Bring it out of us and create our own “Did you catch it?” moment.

Catherine van Campen by her film poster for Flying Anne.

Catherine van Campen by her film poster for Flying Anne.

Nine short films
The nine short films chosen for this year’s Lunafest are refreshingly diverse – documentary, animation, comedy, drama – a really lovely mix:

Granny’s Got Game: “Seven fiercely competitive women in their 70s bond and play winning basketball, proving you are never too old to do what you love,” by Director Angela Alford of Raleigh, NC.

Flying Anne: “A young girl with Tourette’s syndrome takes ‘flight’ to navigate life with her tics,” by Director Catherine van Campen of the Netherlands.

Sidewalk: “A woman walks through life, confronts her changing body and learns to love herself,” by Director Celia Bullwinkel of New York, NY.

First Match: “A determined female wrestler prepares for her first coed high school match,” by Director Olivia Newman of Brooklyn. (The young wrestler attended the San Francisco world premiere. According to one of our organizing committee members who spoke with her at the breakfast the following morning, she is still wrestling and majoring in philosophy at a college in upstate New York – quite the combination.)

Sound Shadows: “Enter a world where sound gives shape to space,” by Director Julie Engaas of Oslo, Norway. (Another one of my favorites)

Maria of Many: “Meet Maria – Mexican immigrant, domestic worker, committed mom, and activist,” by Director Alexandra Liveris of Palo Alto. (Liveris will be Lunafest East Bay Organizing Committee’s honored guest at the El Cerrito screening in March.)

Running Dry: “A woman impacted by economic hardships journeys into contemporary Athens,” by Director Dimitra Nikolopoulou of Athens, Greece. (A favorite of mine)

Date with Fate: “When it comes to blind dating, some things are meant to be – whether you like it or not,” by Director Venetia Taylor of Sydney, Australia.

Tiny Miny Magic: “When Sam and her mailman exchange presents via her mailbox, an unexpected love connection blossom,” by Director Danielle Lurie of New York, NY. (While I loved all of them, I was very fond of this little gem.)

A little shimmer and leather for a film premiere.

A little shimmer and leather for a film premiere.

This is a perfect outing for a Girls’ Night Out or Women’s Night Out. A few friends who came for the first time with their teenaged daughters this past March found it a great Mother-Daughter Movie Night. Conversely, bringing your male counterparts – husbands and sons – also makes for an enjoyable evening with potential for interesting follow-up conversations. Mark your calendars for March 8th, and make plans for a great evening of community, friendship, inspiration, and creativity.

Earrings from Portland, ME, Sundance rings and Lava 9 chunky ring (Berkeley, CA).

Earrings from Portland, ME, Sundance rings and Lava 9 chunky ring (Berkeley, CA).

Power platforms and an evening suit of pleats and brocade and black leather skirt.

Power platforms and an evening suit of pleats and brocade and black leather skirt.

October is Anti-bullying Month: positively no bullying allowed

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I will fight bullying forever because my son will be eleven forever.
– Kirk Smalley, father of Ty Smalley, spokesperson for Stand for the Silent, an educational platform on anti-bullying

The documentary Bully was released in the U.S. in late March 2012. When it came out, David and I talked about going to see the film. As usual, many of the films that we wanted to watch came to theaters and went to DVD, including this film, and we forgot about it. I had an opportunity to see it after Jacob’s middle school PTSA screened it following our monthly meeting last night. I did not realize that October is Anti-Bullying Month. All kids at Jacob’s school will be seeing the film in one of their classes this month and will participate in a discussion about recognizing and standing up to bullying. It’s a good start to educating and making kids aware of this terrible behavior.

Giving your kids lots of hugs and lots of love gives them security and self-esteem.

Giving your kids lots of hugs and lots of love gives them security and sows seeds of self-esteem.

The few negative reviews of the documentary focused on the fact that director Lee Hirsch did not interview either the bullies or their parents. Perhaps this was due to the bullies and their parents not wanting to be filmed. At any rate, such an angle would certainly fill up a sequel, and maybe that’s not a bad thing. I didn’t realize that Jacob would be seeing the documentary in school; I brought both Jacob and Isabella to watch it. Given that we are dealing with bullying in Isabella’s school, albeit a different kind of bullying, I wanted them to see what other kids – the victims – were facing.

On the way home, we talked about not being a bully, seeking family and friends out when being bullied, and also standing up to bullies and not look the other way. I couldn’t help but tell them two stories from my childhood. In my farming hometown of Terra Bella, in the Central Valley of California, there was a girl in my class named Rosie B. She lived around the block from us. Her older parents were poor and reminded me, years later, of the Joads and the Okies from Steinbeck’s Grapes of Wrath. Rosie was slow, so people took her to be stupid. Her face looked disfigured, her mouth was pronounced with a big set of buck teeth. As you can guess, she was picked on, and as I look back, I can’t think of anyone with whom she hung out.

Isabella gives Bailey a hug on Bailey's last day before she died of old age, January 2011.

Nurture nurturing: Isabella gives Bailey a lot of TLC on Bailey’s last day before she died of old age, January 2011.

After lunchtime one day, our class was excused from the cafeteria to have recess on the playground, Rosie fell down the small flight of stairs. The kids never stopped pouring out of the cafeteria. It was a stampede. When she finally got up, she was scarred with a permanent limp. This was 1972. No lawsuit was filed; her parents had no voice. Teachers came upon the scene and I’m sure the principal was notified, but nothing ever happened. I don’t recall if our grade level was lectured or not. I was not part of the stampede, but I was the guilty silent who looked the other way. I ran into Rosie as an adult, when I was home from college, and she eagerly talked to me about how everything was okay now, as if seeing me, a childhood classmate, had compelled her to tell me she had survived. I remembered feeling relieved that she seemed to have turned out okay despite the bullying, but I failed to apologize to her face.

The other story was about Ross M. I met him at a church youth group when I was in either fifth or sixth grade. He was a pudgy boy who giggled a lot, chattered nonstop, and exhibited effeminate mannerisms, which at the time I did not associate with possibly being gay because I didn’t know what gay was back then in our rural community. We tolerated him, but nobody was ever mean to him. I didn’t stay in the youth group and so lost touch with Ross because he went to a different school in the next town over of Porterville. When I was a freshman at one of the high schools in Porterville, I was surprised to see Ross  – only I didn’t recognize him at first. He had slimmed down. He had also stopped laughing and smiling. He didn’t talk much, if at all, and I don’t know if he even had any friends. He was like a ghost, showing up for class and slipping out, unnoticed. I never reached out to him because he seemed like a stranger to me and he never gave any indication of recognition when he was near me. I never saw him again after graduation. It was only when I attended my 25th high school reunion that I noticed his picture among other pictures on a table with candles, memorializing classmates who were no longer with us. When I asked a good friend of mine from high school what had happened, she confirmed what I suspected: He had committed suicide. I don’t know when this happened, after high school, later in life. But one thing I suspect: He was likely bullied in elementary and middle schools.

Happiness is being loved and hugged a lot.

Happiness is being loved in a touchy-feely way.

My kids were quiet in the car as I concluded my stories. Of course, there is always a moral to an Enrado mom story for my kids. I told them not to look away when they know something is wrong, when they know someone is being bullied. They needed to stand up. I reminded them of the damage that bullying does. One of the kids in the documentary, Alex Libby, told his mother, when she found out about the extent of his being bullied, that if these kids who stabbed him with their pencils, pushed and punched him around, choked him, and smacked his head weren’t his “friends,” then what friends did he have? A heartbreaking thing for a mother to hear. Jacob piped up, “I would have been his friend.” And Isabella seconded the sentiment. Hearing them defend him made my heart sing. Nevertheless, I was worried about whatever happened to Alex because his path seemed destined to resemble Ty Smalley’s very sad ending, which was shown in the documentary. Thankfully, the documentary itself was, as Alex’s mother said in an interview months after it came out, a “gift.” The family took a financial hit moving from Sioux City, Iowa, to Edmond, Oklahoma. But now he has real friends and is a spokesman for anti-bullying. A much-needed happy epilogue!

After the screening, our middle school principal and parents talked about this complex social issue, ill, if you will. We talked about what we as parents could do. Here is my list: Raise empathetic children who understand justice and injustice. Teach them how to stand up for others. Be engaged in their daily lives and know what’s going on in their daily lives. Love them by the boatloads and let them know that you have their back.

Contemplation time while walking Rex.

Contemplation time while walking Rex.

As I was walking our dog Rex one morning several weeks ago, I had posed this question to myself: What would be the one thing I could give to my children so that they are successful in life? A fully paid for college education? An appreciation for higher learning? I shook my head. I was equating success with a profession, a college degree, doors opening, financial security. No. I would give my children self-confidence. A child who believes in him or herself will blossom into an adult who stands up for him or herself. Hurtful words will, as I told Isabella on our walk to school yesterday morning, “roll off her back like water on a duck.” He won’t allow himself to stay stuck in a job that he doesn’t like. She won’t allow herself to be in an abusive relationship. Neither will waste away their time in a coma in a dead-end life. A person with a healthy self-esteem will seek the light and surround themselves with similar people. And they will be empathetic. When they see someone bullied, they will feel bullied themselves and know it is not right – and then make it right.

Exude self-confidence and build self-confidence in your children.

Exude self-confidence and build self-confidence in your children.

‘The Way out is through’: embracing trauma

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Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
– Buddhist proverb

Inside the historic Hillside Club in Berkeley (photo from Berkeleyside.com).

Inside the historic Hillside Club in Berkeley (photo from Berkeleyside.com).

Last night, my friend Jane and I went to the first author event of the Berkeley Arts & Letters’ Writers, Ideas, Conversations Fall 2013 series at the beautiful and historic Hillside Club (2286 Cedar Street, Berkeley, 94709, 510.848.3227). Mark Epstein, MD, psychiatrist, author, and lecturer on the value of Buddhist meditation for psychotherapy, read sections from his latest book, The Trauma of Everyday Life, and took questions from the audience. The event was a sell-out, and I wondered how many who crowded into the big auditorium came out of curiosity and to learn how they can embrace not only the traumas of their everyday life but the big traumas that many of us hope to somehow “get through.”

Mark Epstein, MD. Author photo for his latest book, copyright Larry Bercow.

Mark Epstein’s author photo for his latest book, copyright by Larry Bercow.

I confess that my understanding of Buddhism is severely restricted to the proverbs that I’ve come across or people have shared with me. I know of enlightenment and the state of nirvana. I read Herman Hesse’s Siddhartha in high school, although now I feel the need to dig up my old copy and reread it, knowing that through wisdom gained from my life’s experiences I’d understand and appreciate the novel more. My limited understanding of Buddhism, however, did not take away from appreciating Epstein’s talk.

I found it immensely interesting that Epstein merges Western psychology and Buddhism, a sort of checks and balance, if you will. The genesis of his most recent book was in trying to figure out the Western world’s attachment theory versus the Buddhist idea of nonattachment. The idea of trauma became the “unifying notion” in understanding the two. In Buddhism, in order to unattach, you have to be in touch with who you are, and that includes both light and dark, joy and sadness. Trauma, Epstein says, is part of our definition of human being. Acknowledging suffering is huge. “The way out is most definitely through,” he said.

A fabulous recycled tire sculpture of an elephant gracing the corner home of Scenic and Cedar avenues.

A fabulous recycled tire sculpture of an elephant gracing the corner home at Scenic and Cedar streets, near the Hillside Club in Berkeley.

Epstein related two stories that resonated with me, filled me with wonder and appreciation. He told the story of a Thai Buddhist teacher who was explaining the idea of nonattachment. He held up a glass and talked about its utility, its beautiful tone when pinged, and the beautiful way it reflected light. The glass, however, is also at risk of being broken. But to the Thai Buddhist, “the glass is already broken, therefore every minute is always precious.” Accepting that notion of impermanence allows you to be more open to accepting trauma. It also allows for attunement of and appreciation for the here and now precisely because nothing lasts.

The second story is a famous Buddhist story, although it was new to me. Kisa Gotami was a mother whose infant son had died. Clutching him to her chest, she could not get over her loss and feared she was losing her mind. She went to the village, begging for a doctor who could give her medicine to bring her son back to life. An old man led her to Buddha, who told her to bring back mustard seeds from a home where no one has died. She went from house to house in vain. In her inquiries, however, she learned about the losses of each villager, she heard their stories. She came to understand that it wasn’t karma that created her fate. She didn’t do anything wrong to have been stricken with so much heartache. She learned from the villagers that there is no permanence in anyone or anything. By the time she returned to Buddha, she was already transformed and ready to accept the truth, which, of course, he led her to.

Dressing up shorts for a warm Berkeley evening.

Dressing up shorts for a warm Berkeley evening.

Following that line of thought, Epstein talked about how trauma therapists teach that “pain is not pathology.” It’s possible, he says, to change how to meet pain. “It’s not what’s happening inside of you, but how you relate to it [pain],” he said. We have a bit of control over how we relate to things. A light went on for me. I remembered the Buddhist proverb that I came across several months ago and embraced, and shared with my kids a number of times: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” I guess what I may have been looking for in the reading last night was Epstein showing us how to meet pain, how to relate to it so that we find our way “through it.” I look forward to reading Epstein’s book and finding my answers there.

Gorgeous and Green reclaimed vintage chandelier necklace (Berkeley, CA) pops in this chocolate brown background.

Gorgeous and Green reclaimed vintage chandelier necklace (Berkeley, CA) pops in this chocolate brown background.

Texture and more texture: patent leather, embroidered shorts, velveteen jacket.

Texture and more texture: patent leather, embroidered shorts, velveteen jacket, reclaimed vintage chandelier necklace, and textile earrings by Paz Sintes of Spain (DeYoung Museum, San Francisco).

The End of summer, the school bells ring

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August rain: the best of the summer gone, and the new fall not yet born. The odd uneven time.
– Sylvia Plath, American poet, novelist, and short story writer

Still shorts weather with silk and brocade.

Still shorts weather with silk and brocade.

Yesterday was the first day of school. This summer the kids didn’t have as many camps as last year, a sign that my 13-year-old is getting too old for camps. As a result, there were a couple of weeks these past couple of months where I was rushing to be ready at a certain time to drive them to their destinations. So the beginning of school marked a change in routine for Rex and me. No more 6:30 AM dog walks, when it was as light as midday. It will take a few weeks before the confusion on his face is replaced by resignation of the non-summer routine – he will have to wait until my lunch break.

It’s still August, but even I have noticed the slant of light changing, how little by little the hours of daylight are receding. Youth travel ball is done for the season. In Major League Baseball, however, teams in tight pennant races are watching the scoreboards. The Oakland A’s are still hanging tough in their division. Powdery mildew, which has invaded my garden early this season, has coated the leaves of my dahlias – a dusting of snow – and dried out their buds. I fear I only have one or two more weeks of bouquets left.

Carmela Rose vintage earrings, Lava 9 chunky ring (Berkeley, CA), and Anthropologie bangles.

Carmela Rose vintage earrings, Lava 9 chunky ring (Berkeley, CA), and Anthropologie bangles.

Fall, autumn, used to be one of my favorite seasons – the crisp air, the changing light, dried corn husks, hay bales, scarecrows, and pumpkins, and Halloween and Thanksgiving towards the end of the season. Fall colors – burgundy, gold, red, and chocolate – for fall dressing. Although here in the Bay Area, with the constant fog, you wear jackets and boots anyway. We get our Indian summer, but it’s still fall to me, the promise of cooler weather to come.

I had many projects planned for summer that went by the wayside: teaching the kids how to cook so they could make dinner and having them review math and write a few essays for me. In the beginning of summer, I took Jacob to watch The Kings of Summer to introduce coming-of-age movies to him and to surreptitiously learn what male adolescence was all about. In the middle of summer a group of his baseball teammates and some of the moms watched The Way, Way Back. I thought it was only fitting to finish off the last day of summer before school started with another movie, making it the final installment of a trilogy of coming-of-age movies. I took the kids to see The Spectacular Now.

Silky flowers and shiny brocade pair up with Frye sandals and accessories.

Silky flowers and shiny brocade pair up with Frye sandals and accessories in muted colors of summer.

Bright primary crayon colors: denim jacket, flowing asymmetrical hem blouse, and shorts are accessorized with multi-color hobo and printed platform sandals.

Bright primary crayon colors: denim jacket, flowing asymmetrical hem blouse, and shorts are accessorized with multi-color hobo and printed platform sandals.

It was a much more serious movie about growing up – and more R-rated than The Way, Way Back. I thought, as we walked home from the BART station, well, at least Jacob doesn’t have to take part II of sex education. After fifth grade, he was surprised that he didn’t have another year of sex education in sixth grade, telling me in a perplexed tone of voice, “They told us what happens when the egg and the sperm come together, but they didn’t tell us how they get together.” While the sex scene in the movie was not graphic, it gave you an idea of how they get together. Oftentimes what’s left to the imagination is more powerful than what’s exposed. The scene seemed long and drawn-out to me, the mortified mom. The kids also learned what happens when you drink and drive. And that drinking can be a way of masking the pain of adolescent loneliness and self-doubt, and growing up when you don’t want to. The title of the movie comes from the way Sutter, the main character, lives his life – not thinking of the future because it’s too scary, but living in the present because life as a high school senior is way more fun and free of responsibilities.

Statement necklace of turquoise and coral purchased from a vendor at the El Cerrito 4th of July celebration.

Statement necklace of turquoise and coral from a vendor at the El Cerrito 4th of July celebration.

Given that last school year flew by, I have no doubt that I will have to hang on tight and live in the “spectacular now,” if I’m to appreciate every inch that the kids grow this year, pay attention to all the things they tell me and hope they continue to talk freely with me, and encourage them to step out of their comfort zone as they explore their independence. Jacob is entering eighth grade, a year out from high school. Isabella is in fifth grade, two years to go until middle school. The end of this summer, this beginning of the school year, is bittersweet. We are hurtling toward that moment when the seasons will be profoundly new and life-changing. So we must say good-bye to summer and welcome fall, living fully in the now.

Break up solid-colored separates with colorful statement jewelry and handbag.

Break up solid-colored separates with equally colorful statement jewelry and handbag.