Treat your mother, daughter, or both to Lunafest

The more a daughter knows the details of her mother’s life . . . the stronger the daughter.
– Anita Diamant, American journalist and novelist, from The Red Tent

Last week I gave a well-deserved plug for Lunafest, the traveling award-winning short film festival “by, for and about women,” which will be shown at the El Cerrito High School’s Performing Arts Center on Saturday, March 8th, at 7:30pm. Lunafest seeks to “connect women through film,” which not only makes it a great Ladies’ Night Out but a wonderful Mother/Daughter Night Out, too.

Karen Grassle with my friend, Lisa, and her starstruck daughter Savanna, both of whom are fans of Little House on the Prairie.

At last year’s Lunafest: Actress Karen Grassle with my friend, Lisa Harris, and her starstruck daughter Savanna, both of whom are fans of Little House on the Prairie.

In our efforts as mothers to build well-rounded daughters, we expose them to various cultural, intellectual, political, social, and other events. We help build strong girls to become independent and creative thinkers, doers, and humanitarians by showing them what other women have created – be it a book, a piece of artwork, a play or film, a set of songs, a humanitarian or environmental initiative, and so on – and celebrating those achievements. Because Lunafest’s films are “by, for and about women,” the festival is an ideal event for our daughters to learn what is possible in the realm of filmmaking, an industry that has been dominated by men since its inception. It celebrates the myriad voices and experiences of women, which informs their life stories and makes their storytelling unique.

For us adult daughters, taking our mothers to Lunafest is a way to acknowledge and celebrate our role models for their hand in developing our appreciation for beauty in its many forms. We are also activists and fundraisers when we attend. Established in 2000 by LUNA, makers of the Whole Nutrition Bar for Women, the film festival raises funds for its main beneficiary, The Breast Cancer Fund, a national organization dedicated to “preventing breast cancer by eliminating our exposure to toxic chemicals and radiation linked to the disease.” Many of us have mothers, mothers-in-law, and grandmothers who fought breast cancer. Attending Lunafest acknowledges their struggles and successes, as well as honors their memories.

Catherine van Campen by her film poster for Flying Anne.

At the San Francisco Lunafest premiere: Catherine van Campen by the poster of her short film, Flying Anne.

When organizations across the country host their Lunafest film festival, they also support local nonprofit groups. So when you attend and bring either your daughter or mother or both, you and your family are supporting a community-wide fundraising event. The Lunafest East Bay Organizing Committee, in its seventh year, is also raising funds for the El Cerrito Community Foundation and El Cerrito High School’s Information Technology Academy, a small learning community supported by the nonprofit organization, TechFutures. ITA integrates core academic classes with the technology field, comprising digital art, web design, and computer systems management.

So bring your daughter and invite your mom. Bond with them over nine wonderful short films. Treat them to a cookie, cupcake, or vegan ice cream sandwich and decaffeinated coffee, courtesy of local women bakers and businesswomen. Most of all, have fun.

You can purchase your tickets here. You can reach out to me to purchase your tickets. Prices are $50 VIP (for the pre-event reception), $20 general, $5 teacher/student, and $25 at the door. Doors open at 7pm, with the event starting at 7:30pm, at the El Cerrito High School’s Performing Arts Center, 540 Ashbury Avenue, El Cerrito, CA 94530.

Eight of the nine women filmmakers at the San Francisco premiere of Lunafest.

Eight of the nine women filmmakers and one star of the short film, First Match, at the San Francisco premiere of Lunafest. Celebrate women and their artistic visions!

Lunafest: ladies’ night out

Go girl, seek happy nights to happy days.
– William Shakespeare, English poet, playwright, and actor, from Romeo and Juliet

Today is Valentine’s Day, a day of celebration with your significant other. Enjoy the card and the flowers from your garden, the dark chocolates and red wine. Let it be the beginning of a wonderful weekend.

Then think ahead to March 8th, and start planning a fabulous Ladies’ Night Out. Make a long list. Pick up the phone. Blast an e-mail. Send out a text. Gather all of your girlfriends and tell them about Lunafest – a traveling film festival of award-winning short films by, for and about women.” Lunafest seeks to “connect women through film,” which makes it the perfect destination for you and your women friends.

The fabulous women directors, eight of the nine, plus the young lady wrestler.

The fabulous women directors, eight of the nine, plus the young lady wrestler (far right), star of Olivia Newman’s short film First Match, at the San Francisco premiere of Lunafest in October 2013.

But the film festival is more than just a fun night out, though there is a lot of emphasis on fun. Established in 2000 by LUNA, makers of the Whole Nutrition Bar for Women, the film festival raises funds for its main beneficiary, The Breast Cancer Fund, a national organization dedicated to “preventing breast cancer by eliminating our exposure to toxic chemicals and radiation linked to the disease.” When organizations across the country host their Lunafest film festival, they also support local nonprofit groups. So when you attend, you’re supporting a community-wide fundraising event. The Lunafest East Bay Organizing Committee, in its seventh year, is raising funds for the El Cerrito Community Foundation and El Cerrito High School’s Information Technology Academy, a small learning community supported by the nonprofit organization, TechFutures. ITA integrates core academic classes with the technology field, comprising digital art, web design, and computer systems management.

Director Danielle Lurie next to the poster of her short film, Tiny Miny Magic.

Director Danielle Lurie next to the poster of her short film, Tiny Miny Magic, my personal favorite.

This year we’re hosting a dessert circle after the film screening. Local small-businesses Braxtons’ Boxes and Green Girl Bake Shop will be tempting you and your friends with cookies and cupcakes, and dairy- and gluten-free ice cream sandwiches, respectively. Well-Grounded Tea & Coffee Bar is graciously donating complimentary decaffeinated coffee, completing the local community aspect of Lunafest in the East Bay.

Get inspired by the filmmakers’ unique visions and artistry. Support worthy causes and organizations. Seek elimination of breast cancer. Commune with your girlfriends. Meet new friends. Be a part of the local and larger community. Prepare to be delighted, touched, and engaged. All in one magical evening.

You can purchase your tickets here. You can reach out to me to purchase your tickets. Prices are $50 VIP (for the pre-event reception), $20 general, $5 teacher/student, and $25 at the door. Doors open at 7pm, with the event starting at 7:30pm, at the El Cerrito High School’s Performing Arts Center, 540 Ashbury Avenue, El Cerrito, CA 94530.

Director Celia Bullwinkel by her Sidewalk film poster.

Director Celia Bullwinkel by the poster of her short animated film, Sidewalk.

To the movies and beyond

It’s not what a movie is about, it’s how it is about it.
– Roger Ebert, Pulitzer Prize-winning American film critic and screenwriter

Throwback to the 1970s or an homage to Nebraska: coveralls or overalls but with a skinny leg and booties instead of flip flops, my high school uniform.

Throwback to the 1970s or an homage to Nebraska: coveralls or overalls but with a skinny leg and booties instead of flip flops, my high school uniform.

Before kids, David and I went to the movies every Friday evening. We both worked in San Francisco in the financial district (at the same company and then for different companies), and we’d meet up at the Embarcadero and eat an inexpensive dinner and watch an independent film at the Landmark Theater movie house. I leaned toward “depressing foreign films,” which David had the patience and good heart to endure. I was always on top of what new indie film was out and I usually made sure that we saw them all. We were told by many a friend that once you have children, forget about going to the movies. And we largely did the past nearly 14 years.

When our son was an infant and then when we had a toddler and a baby, if either my mother was or David’s parents were in town to help us out, we’d embark on a film fest, cramming three films in two days. Other times, we’d get a babysitter or swap with friends for babysitting duties to get a free evening. Through the years we’ve tried to go to the movies that we really wanted to see. But oftentimes, in the midst of parenting and work, we watched the movies we wanted to see go from movie theater to DVD. If we didn’t have time to see the movie on the big screen, there was a pretty good chance that we’d never see it on our TV screen.

Further modernizing overalls with a bright ethnic print big jacket and a bright orange shoulder bag.

Further modernizing overalls with a bright ethnic print big jacket and a bright orange shoulder bag.

But I do love movies and going to the movies, and it’s on my list of things to do more of in 2014 and beyond. I have fond memories of making the trip into the next town and watching sometimes a double feature (back in the day when people had longer attention spans!) when I was girl. The smell of popcorn still gets me. I still experience a small thrill settling into my seat. While I despise the inexorable string of commercials, I love watching the trailers, so long as I am in a Landmark Theater.

Many years ago, I secretly harbored a desire to study films and film-making in college and in grad school because I had so many questions about why directors or screenwriters did this or did that. I wanted to understand what the similarities and differences were between film and writing fiction. And then later when I was in the creative writing program at Syracuse and one of our professors taught a seminar on fiction and film, I thought a lot more about the intersection, the synergies between the two.

Jan Michaels necklace (Lava 9, Berkeley, CA) and Kate Peterson stack of rings (Adorn & Flourish, El Cerrito, CA).

Jan Michaels necklace (Lava 9, Berkeley, CA) and Kate Peterson stack of rings (Adorn & Flourish, El Cerrito, CA).

I still appreciate depressing foreign films, but I also crave movies that inspire me in any number of ways. I have found that movies that haunt me or make me want to know more about the subject matter are the ones that have lasting power over me. Take, for example, the movie Philomena, which is about an older Irish woman who bore a son out-of-wedlock in the 1950s and was forced to give him up by the nuns who ran the abbey for unwed young women. I was so haunted by her story that when we got home, I promptly did some research on the internet and discovered what scenes were dramatized in the movie, which was to be expected, and what the difference was between the movie/screenplay and the book written by the journalist, Martin Sixsmith, entitled The Lost Child of Philomena Lee. I won’t spoil the movie for those who have yet to see it, but I will say that the book appeals to me more than the movie’s premise – though I really did enjoy the movie – because of the double meaning of the book’s title and the focus on the book, which is about the parallel lives of her son and her than about the relationship between journalist and searching mother.

Accessories take overalls out of the Farmer John category.

Just the right kind of accessories – feminine yet edgy jewelry, hipster booties with a hint of metal, businesslike satchel in a neon pop of color – take overalls out of the Farmer John category and into the cool.

The same weekend, we saw Nebraska, a movie about an elderly father who gets a letter in the mail saying he’s won a million dollars. He convinces his son to drive him from Montana to Nebraska to claim his prize. About 10 or 15 minutes into the movie, I feared that form and content would be appreciated but would ultimately drive me to tears of boredom. As David later complained, few characters were likeable and some things were predictable, not to mention the depressing desolation of setting and character.

I mulled over his comments. Normally, I don’t like watching a movie or reading a book in which most of the characters are unlikable. But these characters were formed by such a harsh and sad landscape that you sympathized with them on the one hand and then were fascinated by them on the other hand. As one of David’s colleagues who is from Nebraska told him afterwards, this is exactly how the state and its residents are, and it’s pretty depressing. But for me, this is uncharted territory, both emotionally and physically. As far as predictability goes, if there’s a twist to what is seemingly predictable or, more importantly, if what happened, what was predictable, was earned, then I am fine with the whole notion of predictability in a movie or book.

Don't forget the sparkly bumblebee earrings.

Don’t forget the sparkly bumblebee earrings.

What I found to love about Nebraska, which I admit I was expecting, was how Woody, Bruce Dern’s character, reminded me of my father, who suffered from dementia and who in his later years took to “wandering.” He, my father, would often by brought back by relatives who found him walking by the side of the road, often in clothes that were inappropriate for the weather, to various places and for various reasons – one being that he had to retrieve money that was hidden in the foothills beyond our rural town.

Even Kate, Woody’s caustic and very unlikable wife and mother to their son, David, who was the reluctant companion and then the catalyst to finish out Woody’s journey, reminded me of my mother. In one scene, Kate is complaining about the mess Woody has put the whole family in while he was lying in a hospital bed. Before leaving, she leans over and tenderly smooths down his stray wispy hair from his forehead. From that scene, I was thrust back to the stunned moment when my sister and I watched my sobbing mother trying to get on the hospital bed where my father’s body lay in rest. They had been match made in marriage and were so far apart in age, socio-economic standing, and temperament, which was evident throughout their years together. Even if I hadn’t connected to that personal moment, that one gesture by Kate spoke volumes that no flashback or further drawn-out scene could capture on film. That one gesture was a glimpse into their relationship that was not all harsh and mean-spirited.

These two movies stayed on my mind days after seeing them. Both haunted me in different ways. One reminded me of connections to my mother and father. The other made me think of how life is indeed stranger than fiction, how sometimes life can’t be made more perfect for the premise of a book of fiction or nonfiction, or a documentary or movie. The question is how best to execute the story in order to do it justice. I appreciate the artistic bent of filmmakers who have this vision and then embark on a journey to turn this vision into something they can share with many people. That’s amazing and magical. For me the viewer, what makes film magical is when it invites you to think and explore beyond the screen, to ask more questions and delve deeper, and to want to know more because it gets us closer to this thing called humanity.

Hipster black and unexpected pop of neon orange elevate the very comfortable overalls.

Hipster black and unexpected pop of neon orange elevate the very comfortable overalls.

Lunafest 2013/2014: Nine inspiring stories

I learned to make my mind large, as the universe is large, so that there is room for paradoxes.
– Maxine Hong Kingston, The Woman Warrior

The fabulous women directors, eight of the nine, plus the young lady wrestler.

The fabulous women directors, eight of the nine, plus the young lady wrestler.

Save the date: On Saturday, March 8th, at 7:30pm in the El Cerrito High School Auditorium, the Lunafest East Bay Organizing Committee will present its screening of Lunafest: A film festival by, for, about women. As members of the Lunfest East Bay Organizing Committee, we were honored and treated to watching the nine short films at the World Premiere in San Francisco last Thursday. You can catch a trailer of this year’s short films by clicking on the link on Lunafest’s home page.

Gorgeous floral arrangements and stacks of Luna bars.

Gorgeous floral arrangements and stacks of Luna bars.

Director Danielle Lurie next to the poster of her short film, Tiny Miny Magic.

Director Danielle Lurie next to the poster of her short film, Tiny Miny Magic.

‘Did you catch it?’ The indomitable spirit
Before the screening, special guest Dr. Stacy L. Smith from the University of Southern California’s Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism, talked about her research on gender and film, which I blogged about this past Monday. You can read it here. Following Dr. Smith’s talk, President and CEO of The Breast Cancer Fund, Jeanne Rizzo, RN, spoke. The Breast Cancer Fund, a nonprofit focusing on the identification and advocacy for the elimination of the environmental causes of breast cancer, is a major recipient of funds raised by Lunafest. Rizzo walked onstage with a cane and announced that she had pushed back her knee replacement surgery in order to attend the world premiere. When numerous people asked her how she had hurt her knee and she told them she was playing beach Frisbee, she said her answer elicited three distinct responses that exposed a generational bias. Women her age and older either winced in sympathy or demanded to know why she would put herself in that position as an older woman playing such a physical sport. But then there was a group of women who wanted to know with great interest and excitement: “Did you catch it?” Rizzo proudly affirmed that she had caught the Frisbee, which drew applause from the audience. “I had a moment in the air that felt great,” she exuded. “I connected to the indomitable spirit.”

Director Celia Bullwinkel by her Sidewalk film poster.

Director Celia Bullwinkel by her Sidewalk film poster.

In highlighting that indomitable spirit, Rizzo was referencing the work of Lunafest, the creativity and inspiration of the nine women filmmakers, and every one of us out in the audience. It was quite infectious. The message is to bring our own indomitable spirit to bear. Bring it to the surface. Be free, unencumbered. Bring it out of us and create our own “Did you catch it?” moment.

Catherine van Campen by her film poster for Flying Anne.

Catherine van Campen by her film poster for Flying Anne.

Nine short films
The nine short films chosen for this year’s Lunafest are refreshingly diverse – documentary, animation, comedy, drama – a really lovely mix:

Granny’s Got Game: “Seven fiercely competitive women in their 70s bond and play winning basketball, proving you are never too old to do what you love,” by Director Angela Alford of Raleigh, NC.

Flying Anne: “A young girl with Tourette’s syndrome takes ‘flight’ to navigate life with her tics,” by Director Catherine van Campen of the Netherlands.

Sidewalk: “A woman walks through life, confronts her changing body and learns to love herself,” by Director Celia Bullwinkel of New York, NY.

First Match: “A determined female wrestler prepares for her first coed high school match,” by Director Olivia Newman of Brooklyn. (The young wrestler attended the San Francisco world premiere. According to one of our organizing committee members who spoke with her at the breakfast the following morning, she is still wrestling and majoring in philosophy at a college in upstate New York – quite the combination.)

Sound Shadows: “Enter a world where sound gives shape to space,” by Director Julie Engaas of Oslo, Norway. (Another one of my favorites)

Maria of Many: “Meet Maria – Mexican immigrant, domestic worker, committed mom, and activist,” by Director Alexandra Liveris of Palo Alto. (Liveris will be Lunafest East Bay Organizing Committee’s honored guest at the El Cerrito screening in March.)

Running Dry: “A woman impacted by economic hardships journeys into contemporary Athens,” by Director Dimitra Nikolopoulou of Athens, Greece. (A favorite of mine)

Date with Fate: “When it comes to blind dating, some things are meant to be – whether you like it or not,” by Director Venetia Taylor of Sydney, Australia.

Tiny Miny Magic: “When Sam and her mailman exchange presents via her mailbox, an unexpected love connection blossom,” by Director Danielle Lurie of New York, NY. (While I loved all of them, I was very fond of this little gem.)

A little shimmer and leather for a film premiere.

A little shimmer and leather for a film premiere.

This is a perfect outing for a Girls’ Night Out or Women’s Night Out. A few friends who came for the first time with their teenaged daughters this past March found it a great Mother-Daughter Movie Night. Conversely, bringing your male counterparts – husbands and sons – also makes for an enjoyable evening with potential for interesting follow-up conversations. Mark your calendars for March 8th, and make plans for a great evening of community, friendship, inspiration, and creativity.

Earrings from Portland, ME, Sundance rings and Lava 9 chunky ring (Berkeley, CA).

Earrings from Portland, ME, Sundance rings and Lava 9 chunky ring (Berkeley, CA).

Power platforms and an evening suit of pleats and brocade and black leather skirt.

Power platforms and an evening suit of pleats and brocade and black leather skirt.

When women are present . . . things change

I am a Woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal Woman,
that’s me.
– Maya Angelou, American poet, memoirist, actress, and American Civil Rights Movement activist

Eight of the nine women filmmakers at the San Francisco premiere of Lunafest.

Eight of the nine women filmmakers and one of the women who was featured in one of the films at the San Francisco premiere of Lunafest.

Last Thursday evening was the World Premiere of the Lunafest film festival in San Francisco. This year the Lunafest East Bay Organizing  Committee – this is my first year on the committee – was honored along with other organizations and individuals for their work in raising money for local nonprofits and for the Breast Cancer Fund, which is a beneficiary of Lunafest. On Wednesday I’ll blog about the nine short films that were chosen out of more than 900 films that were submitted for consideration, as well as the wonderful words of Jeanne Rizzo, RN, President and CEO of the Breast Cancer Fund. But in today’s blog I want to share the inspirational message of special guest, Dr. Stacy L. Smith.

Dr. Stacy Smith, associate professor at USC (photo by USC).

Dr. Stacy Smith, associate professor at USC (photo by USC).

First of all, a little more on Lunafest, a film festival by, for, and about women dedicated to building community through the power of film and through the power of the story:  The film festival was established in 2000 by LUNA, the makers of the Whole Nutrition Bar for Women, to “simultaneously promote women filmmakers, raise awareness for women’s issues, and support women’s nonprofit organizations throughout the U.S. and Canada.” The mission of Lunafest is to “celebrate and inspire women through the art of film and community fundraising.”

Second choice outfit for Lunafest: bright stripes in October.

Second choice outfit for Lunafest: bright stripes in October.

Dr. Stacy L. Smith is an Associate Professor and the Director of the Media, Diversity, and Social Change Initiative at the University of Southern California’s Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism. Her work “examines gender and race on-screen and behind the camera in cinematic content as well as barriers and opportunities facing woman and people of color in the entertainment industry.” She has authored numerous articles, reports, chapters, and papers, focusing on gender, race, hypersexualization of girls and women, and violence.

In her talk, Dr. Smith discussed studies she had done on speaking characters – defined as having at least one speaking line – in 100 of the top-grossing films per year. Data on characters were broken down by demographics, physical appearance, and occupation of the character. In 500 films, of the 21,000 characters, 71.6 percent were men and 28.4 percent were women. It should come as no surprise to many of us; however, when you consider that half of the U.S. population is women and nearly half of the workforce at 47 percent is women, it’s a disturbing to say the least. Dr. Smith noted that there has been no change in gender prevalence since 1976: Of 55 films from 1976 to 1990, only 28 percent were women; of 400 films from 1990 to 2006, only 27 percent were women; and of 500 films from 2007 to 2012, only 28 percent were women.

Anthropologie earrings and Tiffany ring and bracelet, my 50th birthday presents from David.

Anthropologie earrings and Tiffany ring and bracelet, my 50th birthday presents from David.

Dr. Smith also looked at the hypersexualization of male and female on-screen characters. Only 9.4 percent of men were partially nude, while 31 percent of women were shown on screen partially nude. Nearly 50 percent of women were identified as thin, while only 16.2 percent of male characters were thin. Dr. Smith posed this question to the audience: What is the solution to this representational crisis? Women! “When women are present, things change,” she declared.

Dr. Smith examined three major places in which the presence of women in certain positions made a difference. She looked at 820 films from 2002 to 2012 and found three areas of change. In the area of production, when men are directors, only 28 percent of key positions on the team were women. However, when the directors were female in indie films, the number of females in key positions rose to 44 percent. Second, when females directed, there were more girls/women on-screen but less sexualization. Finally, when females directed, the percent of on-screen characters for girls and women rose to 61.7 percent, with more stories about female competition and athleticism.

“The presence of females can alter the status quo in women being silenced and sexualized,” Dr. Smith emphasized. She pointed out that Lunafest, which is shown in 150 cities and raises resources for local nonprofits, is the perfect platform to drive change to the status quo. “It’s the story of all of us, and it can affect the landscape of humanity,” she said. “When women are present, things change.” Dr. Smith encouraged us all to promote change locally, nationally, and globally. Check.

Outfit close-up.

Outfit close-up.

October is Anti-bullying Month: positively no bullying allowed

I will fight bullying forever because my son will be eleven forever.
– Kirk Smalley, father of Ty Smalley, spokesperson for Stand for the Silent, an educational platform on anti-bullying

The documentary Bully was released in the U.S. in late March 2012. When it came out, David and I talked about going to see the film. As usual, many of the films that we wanted to watch came to theaters and went to DVD, including this film, and we forgot about it. I had an opportunity to see it after Jacob’s middle school PTSA screened it following our monthly meeting last night. I did not realize that October is Anti-Bullying Month. All kids at Jacob’s school will be seeing the film in one of their classes this month and will participate in a discussion about recognizing and standing up to bullying. It’s a good start to educating and making kids aware of this terrible behavior.

Giving your kids lots of hugs and lots of love gives them security and self-esteem.

Giving your kids lots of hugs and lots of love gives them security and sows seeds of self-esteem.

The few negative reviews of the documentary focused on the fact that director Lee Hirsch did not interview either the bullies or their parents. Perhaps this was due to the bullies and their parents not wanting to be filmed. At any rate, such an angle would certainly fill up a sequel, and maybe that’s not a bad thing. I didn’t realize that Jacob would be seeing the documentary in school; I brought both Jacob and Isabella to watch it. Given that we are dealing with bullying in Isabella’s school, albeit a different kind of bullying, I wanted them to see what other kids – the victims – were facing.

On the way home, we talked about not being a bully, seeking family and friends out when being bullied, and also standing up to bullies and not look the other way. I couldn’t help but tell them two stories from my childhood. In my farming hometown of Terra Bella, in the Central Valley of California, there was a girl in my class named Rosie B. She lived around the block from us. Her older parents were poor and reminded me, years later, of the Joads and the Okies from Steinbeck’s Grapes of Wrath. Rosie was slow, so people took her to be stupid. Her face looked disfigured, her mouth was pronounced with a big set of buck teeth. As you can guess, she was picked on, and as I look back, I can’t think of anyone with whom she hung out.

Isabella gives Bailey a hug on Bailey's last day before she died of old age, January 2011.

Nurture nurturing: Isabella gives Bailey a lot of TLC on Bailey’s last day before she died of old age, January 2011.

After lunchtime one day, our class was excused from the cafeteria to have recess on the playground, Rosie fell down the small flight of stairs. The kids never stopped pouring out of the cafeteria. It was a stampede. When she finally got up, she was scarred with a permanent limp. This was 1972. No lawsuit was filed; her parents had no voice. Teachers came upon the scene and I’m sure the principal was notified, but nothing ever happened. I don’t recall if our grade level was lectured or not. I was not part of the stampede, but I was the guilty silent who looked the other way. I ran into Rosie as an adult, when I was home from college, and she eagerly talked to me about how everything was okay now, as if seeing me, a childhood classmate, had compelled her to tell me she had survived. I remembered feeling relieved that she seemed to have turned out okay despite the bullying, but I failed to apologize to her face.

The other story was about Ross M. I met him at a church youth group when I was in either fifth or sixth grade. He was a pudgy boy who giggled a lot, chattered nonstop, and exhibited effeminate mannerisms, which at the time I did not associate with possibly being gay because I didn’t know what gay was back then in our rural community. We tolerated him, but nobody was ever mean to him. I didn’t stay in the youth group and so lost touch with Ross because he went to a different school in the next town over of Porterville. When I was a freshman at one of the high schools in Porterville, I was surprised to see Ross  – only I didn’t recognize him at first. He had slimmed down. He had also stopped laughing and smiling. He didn’t talk much, if at all, and I don’t know if he even had any friends. He was like a ghost, showing up for class and slipping out, unnoticed. I never reached out to him because he seemed like a stranger to me and he never gave any indication of recognition when he was near me. I never saw him again after graduation. It was only when I attended my 25th high school reunion that I noticed his picture among other pictures on a table with candles, memorializing classmates who were no longer with us. When I asked a good friend of mine from high school what had happened, she confirmed what I suspected: He had committed suicide. I don’t know when this happened, after high school, later in life. But one thing I suspect: He was likely bullied in elementary and middle schools.

Happiness is being loved and hugged a lot.

Happiness is being loved in a touchy-feely way.

My kids were quiet in the car as I concluded my stories. Of course, there is always a moral to an Enrado mom story for my kids. I told them not to look away when they know something is wrong, when they know someone is being bullied. They needed to stand up. I reminded them of the damage that bullying does. One of the kids in the documentary, Alex Libby, told his mother, when she found out about the extent of his being bullied, that if these kids who stabbed him with their pencils, pushed and punched him around, choked him, and smacked his head weren’t his “friends,” then what friends did he have? A heartbreaking thing for a mother to hear. Jacob piped up, “I would have been his friend.” And Isabella seconded the sentiment. Hearing them defend him made my heart sing. Nevertheless, I was worried about whatever happened to Alex because his path seemed destined to resemble Ty Smalley’s very sad ending, which was shown in the documentary. Thankfully, the documentary itself was, as Alex’s mother said in an interview months after it came out, a “gift.” The family took a financial hit moving from Sioux City, Iowa, to Edmond, Oklahoma. But now he has real friends and is a spokesman for anti-bullying. A much-needed happy epilogue!

After the screening, our middle school principal and parents talked about this complex social issue, ill, if you will. We talked about what we as parents could do. Here is my list: Raise empathetic children who understand justice and injustice. Teach them how to stand up for others. Be engaged in their daily lives and know what’s going on in their daily lives. Love them by the boatloads and let them know that you have their back.

Contemplation time while walking Rex.

Contemplation time while walking Rex.

As I was walking our dog Rex one morning several weeks ago, I had posed this question to myself: What would be the one thing I could give to my children so that they are successful in life? A fully paid for college education? An appreciation for higher learning? I shook my head. I was equating success with a profession, a college degree, doors opening, financial security. No. I would give my children self-confidence. A child who believes in him or herself will blossom into an adult who stands up for him or herself. Hurtful words will, as I told Isabella on our walk to school yesterday morning, “roll off her back like water on a duck.” He won’t allow himself to stay stuck in a job that he doesn’t like. She won’t allow herself to be in an abusive relationship. Neither will waste away their time in a coma in a dead-end life. A person with a healthy self-esteem will seek the light and surround themselves with similar people. And they will be empathetic. When they see someone bullied, they will feel bullied themselves and know it is not right – and then make it right.

Exude self-confidence and build self-confidence in your children.

Exude self-confidence and build self-confidence in your children.