Category Archives: Transitions and Transformations

Celebrating women who have made successful transitions or amazing transformations

Lost, found, and forever kept: sisterhood and cousinhood

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Jo’s face was a study next day, for the secret rather weighed upon her, and she found it hard not to look mysterious and important. Meg observed it, but did not trouble herself to make inquiries, for she had learned that the best way to manage Jo was by the law of contraries, so she felt sure of being told everything if she did not ask.
– Louisa May Alcott, American novelist, from Little Women

Celebrating Jacob's 5th birthday and my mom's 80th birthday, with Joshua and Isabella, June 2005.

Celebrating Jacob’s 5th birthday and my mom’s 80th birthday, with Joshua and Isabella in Folsom, June 2005.

When the kids were younger, I used to take them on weekend trips to my sister’s home in Folsom, about an hour-and-a-half drive from the Bay Area. My mom had been living with my middle sister Joyce and her husband when my nephew, Joshua, was born almost 18 years ago. Jacob was born 3.5 years later. When Isabella came along 2.5 years after Jacob, and David was working a lot of overtime hours, I sought refuge, relief, and motherhood support in Folsom. There, my mom doted over her three grandkids and I hung out, exhausted on the family room sofa, enjoying the cozy retreat. Oftentimes, I had to bring work, but I always carved out time for catching my breath, flipping through Joyce’s stack of People magazines late at night, and gabbing around the kitchen table.

The grandkids and Nellie at my mom's grave site in Folsom, Christmas Day 2014.

The grandkids and Nellie at my mom’s grave site in Folsom, Christmas Day 2014.

We visited a lot, and my kids really loved spending time with their cousin and their “lola,” my mom. Once Jacob started playing youth baseball, my work encroached beyond the 50-hour work week, and the three-hour roundtrip became too onerous, we didn’t visit as much. Joshua didn’t want February birthday parties anymore, so we didn’t come that month, and soon, we only came at Easter, my mom’s birthday in June, and Christmastime, then just June and December. I harbored feelings of regret, which got eaten whole, by everyone’s schedule and the resulting exhaustion. The kids complained about not visiting as often, and after my mom passed away three years ago, it was difficult when we did visit. Somehow, Jacob and Isabella became aware of the fact that when kids graduate from high school, they “go away from the house” afterwards, whether it be for college or work.

Their oldest cousin, Nick, on David’s side of the family, Joshua, and my college roommate’s son Grant are all seniors this year. In Jacob’s and Isabella’s eyes, they were going to be leaving their homes and that meant the two of them wouldn’t be able to see them easily anymore. Last year, they started lobbying for me to set up the next dinner with my college roommates so they could get together again with Grant and his younger brother Michael. They wanted to stay longer in Stockton, where David’s parents live, during the holidays to visit with Nick and their other cousins. And they especially bugged me about going to Folsom more – like old times – so they could hang out with Joshua. I’m glad they infused me with their urgency, which ignited my own urgency, which had been smothered by my to-do list and other obligations.

Ready for the short road trip to Folsom in comfortable clothes.

Ready for the short road trip to Folsom in comfortable clothes.

Though I didn’t have Martin Luther King, Jr. Day off, the kids had a three-day weekend, Jacob finished his semester so he didn’t have any weekend homework, and we had no sports commitment on Saturday. Seize the day, I told myself. Go to Folsom. The kids were ecstatic. And even I looked forward to relaxing a bit, which I wasn’t able to do this past Christmas in Folsom. I even looked forward to driving, listening to mellow music, letting my mind drift, enjoying the gray skies and the landscape bathed in a sheath of fog. I caught myself getting excited to see mom, who used to always answer the door when we arrived. When Joyce answered the door this time, however, I was overcome by that old home-away-from-home feeling, which took my hand and led me in.

Textures again: scarf (Personal Pizazz, Berkeley, CA), stack of rings (Kate Peterson Designs, El Cerrito, CA), Laura Lombardi hoops, jeans, eyelash sweater (H&M), and my own vintage Talbots crossbody bag from the early 90s.

Textures again: scarf (Personal Pizazz, Berkeley, CA), stack of rings (Kate Peterson Designs, El Cerrito, CA), Laura Lombardi hoops, jeans, eyelash sweater (H&M), and my own vintage Talbots crossbody bag in mint condition from the early 90s.

Laura Lombardi spheres hoops and Kate Peterson Designs stack of rings.

Laura Lombardi spheres and hoops earrings and Kate Peterson Designs stack of rings.

Joyce made spaghetti sauce and pasta for lunch for us. Now that she’s retired, she’s cooking, which is saying a lot for someone who had a framed saying that declared “I’d cook if I could find the can opener.” She informed me that she had “ceremoniously dumped it [the framed picture] last month.” I brought our thick binder of favorite recipes, and I marked with stick-it notes the recipes I thought she would like – easy ones with few ingredients – though she requested recipes that didn’t call for exotic ingredients that can’t be found in a regular grocery store. I’m thrilled that she’s cooking healthful meals and not eating a lot of processed frozen foods, which were her staple during her long days of teaching. It was fun to share recipes with her. And I was surprised and delighted to hear that she bought a ukulele and would take up an instrument that she had longed to play for a while. As she talked, I was content to see her finally relaxed because much of her working life was filled with deadlines, stress, report cards, and difficult students and parents. I was happy for her.

Three sisters at Christmastime in our old house, me with my baby doll, middle sister Joyce with Chatty Cathy, and oldest sister, Heidi.

Three sisters at Christmastime in our old house in Terra Bella, with me and my baby doll, Joyce with Chatty Cathy, and oldest sister, Heidi. Check out the encyclopedia dinosaurs!

The Enrado women, sans Mom, Christmas in Folsom, 2014.

The Enrado women, sans Mom, Christmas in Folsom, 2014.

We ran errands, with Isabella tagging along. We checked out the premium outlets. We Enrado women have a history of shopping, a tradition of shopping the day after Thanksgiving to get our Christmas gifts bought and out of the way and the day after Christmas to spend the $100 my mom gave each of us for Christmas. We would get up early and she’d drive us to the malls in either Bakersfield or Visalia. Of course, we would make our dollar stretch and buy clothes and accessories on sale and on clearance. When Joyce and I came home from the Folsom shops, Joshua was sprawled across the family room sofa, his pillow leaning against Isabella, while Jacob was spread out across the other sofa. Aside from the fact that they were watching the dreaded show, Walking Dead, a sense of contentment was draped around me at the sight of the three of them hanging out, if only for a very short weekend.

Joyce and me in our Auntie Leonora's house, our old house, 1972.

Joyce and me in our Auntie Leonora’s house, our old house in Terra Bella, 1972.

After dinner, Joyce suggested we spend the evening watching the movie Bridesmaids, which I hadn’t seen but she did see when her old high school friends were in town a few years ago. I’d always wanted to see it, having heard good reviews, but never got around to doing it, which seems to be a constant theme in my life. The movie was funny, and it was actually heartwarming for me to watch this chick-flick with my sister. At points during the movie, I was conscious of the fact that we hadn’t sat down and watched a movie like this – outside of a few distracted times with kids zipping in and out of the family room – since I was an undergraduate at UC Davis, spending the day or weekend with Joyce, who had recently graduated from Cal State Sacramento and was working and living in Sacramento, about 15 minutes from my campus. Those were the truly endless days when nothing seemed pressing, and it was so easy to pop over and hang out.

Hawk in a tree on our neighborhood walk.

Hawk in a tree on our neighborhood walk in Folsom.

Sunday morning, with the kids in charge of steering Nellie, the family dog, Joyce and I chatted while walking to the park and pond and around the neighborhood. It was cool and foggy, a perfect January day. She wanted me to walk with her because she felt she needed to exercise. I told her it was important to do some sort of exercise every day, how she ought to walk Nellie daily – both she and dog would benefit and she’d get some fresh air. I told her to keep moving. I told her about sleep studies that recommend women going to bed by 10PM. Knowing that she goes to bed late and sleeps in late, I told her she ought to push back her sleep pattern a few hours and her health would improve. I was always worried for her when she was teaching and only getting two to three hours of sleep a night.

Dad (his shadow) taking a photograph of us three sisters at our home in Los Angeles, February 1964.

Dad (his shadow) taking a photograph of us three sisters at our home in Los Angeles, February 1964.

After the walk she made soggy French toast, which we all ate not because we felt forced to, but because of gratitude. She had taken the time to make it. I was really proud of her. Not in a condescending way because David makes really wonderful meals and I’ve been cooking regularly for years, but proud that she was proud of her cooking. The kids took off for Joshua’s room soon after eating half of their French toast. Since we had to leave midday to make it back in time for Jacob’s hitting lesson, and I had precious few hours left that Sunday morning, I decided to wait until I got home to take my shower. I wanted to hang out at the kitchen table and keep talking, just talking. We caught up on old classmates and family and relatives. I felt like we weren’t almost 53 and nearly 55. We were in our 20s in Joyce’s Sacramento apartment. We were teenagers in her Ford Pinto coming home from high school the next town over, fearful of the blanket of hot-white fog on Old Highway 65. We were 7 and 9, playing our homemade version of the Mystery Date Game, laughing at the dud guy behind the white board game door, in the cramped screened-in porch in the back of our house, on an endless summer Sunday afternoon.

Joyce and me in front of our first house in Terra Bella, 1967.

Joyce and me and one of the many dogs in our childhood, in front of our first house in Terra Bella, 1967.

Portia Lee: compassionate acupuncturist

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Take care of yourself – you never know when the world will need you.
– Rabbi Hillel, Jewish religious leader, associated with the development of the Mishnah and the Talmud

I first came to Portia Lee (6931 Stockton Avenue, El Cerrito, CA 94530, 510.799.8788) in May of 2012, seeking relief from sciatica, which I had been suffering from since my first pregnancy 15 years ago. I was drawn to her focus on women’s health, including menstrual disorders, menopause, infertility, and prenatal and postnatal care. My sciatica has been under control ever since my visit, and I continue to see Portia for a number of physical ailments, which she has successfully treated or kept in check. More importantly, her compassion for her patients is the main reason I remain an enthusiastic patient.

Portia Lee, acupuncturist extraordinaire.

Portia Lee, acupuncturist extraordinaire.

Compassion and working with people
That deep compassion, nurtured when she was young, led her to where she is now. While her parents – her mother is a 4th generation Chinese and her father grew up in the Philippines – were not traditional, as a child Portia adopted her maternal grandmother’s use of herbs and herb-infused soups to treat illness and soon began creating concoctions with herbs and other plants. Although interested in acupuncture, having been treated as a teenager, she instead earned her degree in English literature and settled in Paris, working with students and professors as the cultural program director at the American University of Paris. “I knew I wanted to work with people,” she recalled.

After six years, however, Portia began researching acupuncture programs. When she returned to the States and began coursework toward her graduate degree at the American College of Traditional Chinese Medicine in San Francisco, she said, “I knew this was it – it was really resonating with me.” She received her MS in traditional Chinese Medicine and apprenticed for many years under Dr. Robert Johns, whom she credits for having enriched her practice.

Portia has been practicing acupuncture for 14 years, starting out in a chiropractor’s office after earning her license and then working with homeless people at drug rehabilitation clinics in San Francisco. She began her private practice on the side until she established her business in El Cerrito nine years ago. “What impassions me about my work is the people,” Portia said. “I feel that my work has very little to do with me and everything to do with my patients. I can be there, be open and listen, and somehow reflect in a positive way.”

Portia at her office.

Portia at her office.

Seeking self-awareness
and balance
Many of Portia’s clients deal with infertility or pain, each requiring different processes and treatments. Regardless of the case, Portia said, “What I hope to do is to bring about more self-awareness in a person. It’s something I’m constantly cultivating in myself as best as I can.” While we often don’t have control over many aspects of our lives, she countered, sometimes we can be empowered to believe that change is possible and thus shift things in a positive way. “Acupuncture needles are, perhaps, one way to do that,” Portia explained. “I think of them as a medium for creating positive energy, positive change in a small way that has a ripple effect.”

With acupuncture and the philosophy of Chinese medicine predicated on yin and yang, Portia hopes to help shift that state of being for patients who are dealing with imbalance in their lives or are in a state of discomfort. “I observe how events in life balance themselves out and everything is relative to each other – with varying degrees,” she said. “Understanding the philosophy has been very helpful to me because I work with balancing yin and yang and recognize it more in everyday events.”

Portia shared with me a Zen tale about a farmer and his son whose horse has run off. When a neighbor says to the farmer, “I’m so sorry, that’s awful,” the farmer responds, “”Well, maybe. We’ll see.” When the horse returns with a herd of horses, the neighbor exclaims how lucky the farmer is, but the farmer responds, “We’ll see. It could be good or bad.” The next day the farmer’s son breaks his leg while riding one of the horses. The neighbor gives his condolences to the farmer, and the farmer responds, “Well, we’ll see. It could be good or bad.” The following day the army comes to the farmer’s house to enlist his son, but his son’s broken leg prevents him from being conscripted. “Things ebb and flow,” Portia concluded. “You can never tell whether an event, which may at first seem awful, may lead to an opportunity that might have never arisen.”

A familiar figure at Portia's office - Merlin, the family dog.

A familiar figure at Portia’s office – Merlin, the family dog.

Finding balance in her own life
When she was in her twenties, Portia was a human version of the Eveready Bunny – she was always in motion. Before she left for Paris, her co-workers at the local public broadcasting station KQED wrote in her going-away card such sentiments as “I hope you slow down enough to actually be able to see some things,” Portia related and laughed. Her first acupuncturist warned her against pushing herself to the point of exhaustion. “I was the type of person who worked really hard, pushed really hard,” she recalled. Studying and becoming a practitioner of Chinese medicine changed Portia’s life and her outlook on her life. “Chinese medicine has made me a healthier person,” she said. “It has – hopefully – given me longevity because I’ve had to slow down to become more self-aware.”

Portia pointed out that our society is very yang – we are too focused on achieving and how much we can get done. “But you can’t do that without rest and recovery,” she insisted. In the past 14 years, she has learned to literally lie down and recuperate and reenergize, and just as important, not feel guilty about it. “In my work, I can’t be exhausted,” she said. “I need to rest and eat to replenish and refuel in order to be present and aware for people.”

For relaxation, Portia practices chi gong, which literally means life energy cultivation and is a form of standing meditation that helps harness “the infinite energy on this earth” to rebuild and restore oneself. Chi is the yang aspect of blood and gives the blood the ability to circulate through the body. “It’s often translated as energy, although that’s not its direct translation,” she explained. She and her husband also exercise together and check in with one another.

Empowering ourselves
I asked Portia for advice on how we can take care of ourselves outside of acupuncture visits. She advocates self-care in the form of a healthful diet, exercise, rest – both nighttime sleep and daytime nap – and time for oneself and family and friends. Portia counsels her patients to practice moderation, which all comes back to seeking self-awareness and balance. With dieting, for example, she points out that what we want and what we can’t have is merely an illusion. “If we can strip that illusion, we can advance from a state of deprivation to a state of empowerment,” she asserted. “The majority of people know what’s good for us and what’s not good for us. In a healthy state, we should be able to tolerate a little bit of everything. Being too restrictive can be just as unhealthy as allowing yourself anything you want. Again, it’s a matter of balance.”

Taking a break with Merlin.

Taking a break with Merlin.

Portia also entreats us to not take things too seriously. “Don’t worry about the past or the future – be in the moment,” she advised. “If you’re in the moment, everything is actually okay at this time.”

Portia’s optimism is uplifting. “As I age, I really feel like almost anything we want is really possible,” she said. “Not that we always have control over everything, but we do have more power over how our lives manifest and present than we give ourselves credit for.” Thus, an attitude of believing that anything’s possible opens the door for changes to any condition or situation. “It’s important to have that possibility,” Portia declared. “When you come to see somebody [for treatment], it’s possible to feel better. For prognoses, it can be true or it cannot be true; it can never be 100 percent.” Therefore, one must always foster hope.

In the end, it’s Portia’s heart – her compassion – that helps her patients to heal. She is an admirer of Gabor Maté, MD, a Hungarian-born Canadian physician whose body of work supports his belief in the connection between mind and body health. Maté, who specializes in the study and treatment of addiction, has shed light on patterns seen in certain diseases and painful conditions. He has noted that our culture is very addictive. “We’re all so similar in that way,” Portia pointed out, having come to that conclusion while working at the drug rehabilitation clinics. “Our society tends to think that if you’re a workaholic that’s a good trait, whereas if you’re a drug addict, that’s really bad,” she said, shaking her head. “We’re all human,” Portia said simply. “There’s very little difference when it really comes down to it. We need the compassion, understanding, and humanity in all of us.” Amen to that.

The Gratitude Challenge: 7 days of thoughtful gratitude

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Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.
– A.A. Milne, English author and poet, from Winnie the Pooh

I got on Facebook to help promote my writing, but I soon discovered that it connected me with friends both near and far-flung, friends from my deep past to recent acquaintances. I rarely participate  in the chain-letter-type activities that make the rounds on Facebook. I read about the Gratitude Challenge being taken on by a number of friends and was soon nominated by my good friend Laurel Kallenbach. With my participation now concluded, I share my seven days of gratitude here on my blog.

Day 1 – baseball is life, life is baseball
Thank you, Laurel Kallenbach, for nominating me for the Gratitude Challenge. I was nominated to list 3 things I’m grateful for every day for a week and nominate 3 people each day to do the same. Today, September 21st, is my first day (baseball gratitude theme) and I nominate Jack Beaudoin, Kara De La Paz, and Cecie Uytingco Mendoza.

1. I am grateful for David, who told me to go ahead and go to the baseball game today and he would do the tons of laundry and cleaning today and watch Isabella and her friend Kelly.

2. I am grateful for Jacob, who said, “Mom, I want to go to the game with you.” (Because David and Isabella didn’t want to.) I’m grateful that he still wants to spend time with me, even though he’s a teenager, and that we have more meaningful conversations and discussions.

3. I am grateful that my last regular-season Oakland A’s game that I attended this year ended with a win, which allowed us to celebrate with the crazy right-field bleacher loyal fans. “Never Quit” and “Keep Fighting”

Spontaneous partners in crime: our friends Robert and his son, Sasha, join us in cheering the 10th-inning walk-off home run win.

Spontaneous partners in crime: our friends Robert and his son, Sasha, join us in the right-field bleachers. At the moment all seems glum, but soon we will be cheering the 10th-inning walk-off home run by Josh Donaldson, aka The Bringer of Rain (Photo credit: Mike DeMay – thanks, Mike!).

Day 2 – labor day
I was nominated to list 3 things I’m grateful for every day for a week and nominate 3 people each day to do the same. Today, September 22nd, is Day 2 (Work gratitude theme, appropriately for a Monday) and I nominate Gordon Hunt, Eric Wicklund, and Diana Manos for the Gratitude Challenge.

1. I’m grateful to have great, hardworking colleagues around me to get the job done. Even though I work remotely, I am part of a great team who appreciates and supports what I do.

2. I’m grateful to work at home and be there for my kids – like the time both had pneumonia two winters ago, separate times, of course, and both were out of school for two weeks each. Did not have to eat up vacation days. Working at home also allows me to walk Isabella to school every morning.

3. I’m especially grateful for my geriatric companion, Rex, who keeps me company in the nearby library. While he’s not a great personal assistant, at least he sleeps most of the day and lets me get my work done. I can’t imagine my work day without him.

Rex ready for a Monday morning.

Rex ready for a Monday morning.

Day 3 – supporting our public schools
I was nominated to list 3 things I’m grateful for every day for a week and nominate 3 people each day to do the same. Today, September 23rd, is Day 3 (school gratitude) and I nominate Juliet Jamsheed, Daniel Philippe, and Denise Portello Evans.

1. I attended my first Investing in Academic Excellence meeting at El Cerrito High School last night, and I’m really excited to help this important organization raise funds for various school initiatives. I am grateful for the ECHS families who are working really hard for the school – the new families I’m meeting and the good friends whom I’ve known for years and whose end of journey together is less than four years away. I’m grateful that Jacob is off to a great start as a freshman there and has some inspirational teachers and a solid principal.

2. I am grateful for the two years we concluded at Portola Middle School (Korematsu now). We had two really wonderful teachers who have made a lasting impression on Jacob and a hardworking principal. Looking forward to returning there next year, in the new campus.

3. We are finishing up 10 years at Harding Elementary School this year. While I’m excited about finally leaving elementary school, I am forever grateful for the inspirational teachers and the many wonderful families and friends I’ve met and worked with on behalf of the school. I’ve made life-long friends and I’ve watched some pretty special kids grow up with my kids.

A Harding tradition: getting families together for a potluck after the last day of school. Here with friends Tana and Lori after our kids finished up fifth grade, celebrating at Arlington Park.

A Harding Elementary School tradition: getting families together for a potluck after the last day of school. Here with friends Tana and Lori, watching our kids, who finished fifth grade, play at Arlington Park this past June.

Day 4 – or purpose in life: giving back
I was nominated to list 3 things I’m grateful for every day for a week and nominate 3 people each day to do the same. I just read an article on Melinda Gates and her work with the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation and was inspired by her desire to make the world better. Today, September 24th, is Day 4 (giving and helping others theme) and I nominate Anja Hakoshima, Kimi Ynigues, and Kathy Brackett.

1. I am grateful for the work that my friend Jane Fischberg and her colleagues do at Rubicon Programs, whose mission is to “prepare low-income people to achieve financial independence and to partner with people with mental illness on their journey of recovery.” Especially in this current political climate, supporting both groups is not very popular, making their work even more challenging. But my friend Jane has a big heart and strong resolve. In an interview with me, she said, “I really do believe in giving back and I feel like a life of not giving back is not fulfilling. I’ve always felt the reason for living is to be of service, so that informed what I’ve always done.”

2. I am grateful for the work that my friend Alissa Hauser and her colleagues do at The Pollination Project, whose mission is to “expand compassion to the planet, people, and animals.” The Pollination Project’s mission aligns with Alissa’s philosophy: “What I’m most committed to is creating more kindness and compassion in the world,” she said. “There are so many ways to do it; there are so many ways I have done it. But at the end of the day, I just want to be a person who inspires other people to be nice to one another, no matter who they are or what they’ve done.”

3. I am grateful for my daughter, Isabella, who also has a big heart. She and her friends have baked cookies and made lemonade to sell at various parks to raise money for the Milo Foundation. She talks about wanting to save endangered animals, rescuing dogs from being put down, saving the earth from the harm that we do to it, and more. I want to continue nurturing in her that desire of giving and helping others.

Isabella and her friends have been selling cookies and lemonade for the Milo Foundation.

Isabella and her friends have been selling cookies and lemonade for the Milo Foundation.

Day 5 – our Indian summer fall
I was nominated to list 3 things I’m grateful for every day for a week and nominate 3 people each day to do the same. Today, September 25th, is Day 5 (Nature theme) and I nominate Rose Cee, David Bruce-Casares, and Claire Richardson.

1. I am grateful for the rain that woke me up early this morning. While we have a long way to go to erase California’s drought, it’s a start, an early one at that.

2. I am grateful for the maple leaves changing color, announcing autumn’s return. The display is definitely not as spectacular as the leaves changing in the Northeast or other parts of the country, but all I need is a golden ginkgo and a flaming red and orange maple tree and I’m ready to celebrate one of my favorite seasons.

3. I am grateful for the small resurgence of my garden, which was stricken with powdery mildew in late July and pretty much petered out and left me with charred buds and dried-out sticks. However, with our Indian summer in full force, the carnations, fuschia, scabiosas, and poppies are bursting from their pots – a final send-off and blast of cream, purple, pink, red and white ripples.

Indian summer autumn bouquet.

Indian summer autumn bouquet.

Day 6 – TGIF
I was nominated to list 3 things I’m grateful for every day for a week and nominate 3 people each day to do the same. Today, September 26th, is Day 6 (TGIF theme) and I nominate John Buettner, Julie Redlin, and Maria Francesca.

1. I am grateful for my pumpkin-spiced chai latte that gets me through the mornings. My day starts on East coast time, so by the time I sit down to eat my breakfast and begin work again, I have already gone through my work e-mail and immediate, deadline-oriented work tasks, done my exercises and ridden my bike, walked Rex, and dropped off Isabella at school. The moment I settle into my office chair and sip my chai latte, I literally catch my second wind.

2. I am grateful for the mellow glass of red wine that will help me unwind in the evening. It’s something I look forward to when Friday evening hits and the work week is behind me.

3. I am grateful for a quiet Friday evening, watching the A’s win and now enjoying the rest of the fall evening with David and Isabella.

Even Rex is chillin' on an autumn Friday evening.

Even Rex is chillin’ on an autumn Friday evening.

Day 7 – a writer’s heart-felt thank you
I was nominated to list 3 things I’m grateful for every day for a week and nominate 3 people each day to do the same. Today, September 27th, is my last day, Day 7 (writer’s gratitude), and I nominate Yoko Morita, Alex Davis, and Nancy Donovan.

1. I am grateful for discovering and embracing the written word and the many gifts it brings – the sentence that dances, the character who enrages you, the places you can taste and touch, the moment created that brings you to a moment of truth in your past, the page that keeps you turning it, the book that leaves you bereft because the magic has ended.

2. I am grateful for the community of writers I have met throughout my life and call my friends, mentors, fellow writers, and careful readers – you know who you are, but a special shout out to Jack Beaudoin, Laurel Kallenbach, John Farrell, and Sands Hall.

3. I am grateful for my non-writer friends and family who have nurtured me in so many different ways – as careful readers, muses, emotional supporters, and more – you know who you are, too, but a special shout out to Kathy Brackett and David, always.

John, me, and Jack with our "author poses" at the Orange Grove, Syracuse University, 1990.

John, me, and Jack with our “author poses” at the Orange Grove, Syracuse University, 1990.

This exercise made me realize how many things, events, and people I am grateful for every day but oftentimes in the rush of the day I don’t reflect fully or give appropriate props. I’ll remember this challenge and remind myself every evening, during a quiet moment before I retire for the night, to look back on my day and give gratitude. Thanks again, Laurel, for the nomination!

In praise of a good story.

In praise of a good story – both reading one and writing one (door sign given to me by my college and good friend Susie Merrill many, many moons ago, which still holds a prominent place in my office).

A Tiny, mighty change: 8th grade graduations and promotions

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True life is lived when tiny changes occur.
– Leo Tolstoy, Russian novelist and short story writer

Pre-ceremony moment with Number 1 son.

Pre-ceremony moment with Number 1 son.

Prior to Jacob’s 8th grade promotion ceremony last night, all week I had been adrift in reminiscing. I remembered my own 8th grade graduation as I rejoiced and also felt bittersweet about his minor rite of passage, with the swift feet of time luring him away from me. I couldn’t find any photos of my graduation, but I distinctly remembered details so vivid it startled me. My Auntie Leonora, my mom’s sister-in-law, sewed my maxi dress of tiny blue flowers against a cream background, with the bodice trimmed with lace and petite luminous blue buttons. June 8, 1976. As we were getting ready for the event after dinner, my mother made her way to the bathroom with a fish bone stuck in her throat. I ran down the hallway, panicked that she was choking to death. She was fine after coughing up the bone, but I realized at that moment how much she meant to me – despite our cultural and generational differences at the time. My mother meted out tough love but only because she wanted me to work hard and succeed.Mr. Vangsness, our choral teacher, conducted us as we sang Morris Albert’s “Feelings,” a popular 1975 song, and a dog understandably howled in the background. Nobody snickered or laughed out loud, but I was embarrassed nonetheless. [Don’t ask why an elementary school choir would sing a song about a heartbroken man at an 8th grade graduation.]

Some of my mementos from elementary school - awards, a cassette from honor choir, hand-drawn "photos" and handmade letters for my cheerleading sweatshirt - I know, even my own son was surprised at this revelation.

Mementos from elementary school – awards, honor choir cassette(!), hand-drawn “photos” and handmade letters for my cheerleading sweatshirt – I know, even my own son was surprised at this revelation.

Spurred by my memories, I took to the attic and dug into the big plastic tub that holds my journals and mementos of my life up to college. I’ve sifted through this tub before to flip through my journals and other writings, but I haven’t gone through the letters, my certificates of perfect attendance and scholarship, report cards, school reports, my overwrought prose from my English assignments in years. I was astonished to find that I still have my 8th graduation program, which is in pristine condition.

Terra Bella, my hometown and home to my K-8 elementary school, wasn’t big enough to warrant having a high school. There were two high schools in the next town over, Porterville, and where you lived relative to the train tracks determined which school you attended. Mostly everyone attended Porterville High School because a greater percentage of the town’s population lived on one side of the tracks. I chose to follow my two sisters, who were going to the newer high school. But that meant I would be separated from all my friends. It meant I would be a lone wolf until I made new friends. Another girl from my school ended up going, but we weren’t close and didn’t hang out in elementary school. I sheepishly asked my middle sister, a junior, if I could hang out with her. She begrudgingly agreed, though I had to walk behind her and her group of friends, no doubt because she had been telling people since she got to high school that she was an only child.

Four bouquets from our garden for Portola's 8th grade promotion ceremony.

Four bouquets from our garden for Portola’s 8th grade promotion ceremony.

Styling the dress before the big haircut.

Styling the dress before the big haircut.

I was scared of high school, though I had outgrown being at the same rural school for nine years and being with the same kids for almost a decade. At the same time, I was curious and excited. I had the rare opportunity early in life to reinvent myself in a new environment. Nobody knew me. There’s a certain freedom in anonymity, in not being encumbered by complicated friendships and loyalties. I was ready to bust out of my little hometown. I was ready for a bigger school, a variety of classes – I had a thirst for pure knowledge and learning – new friends, and new experiences and adventures. The proverbial bigger pond.

This stunner of a dress only needs simple yet elegant accessories: equally stunning Personal Pizazz drop earrings (Berkeley, CA), Elizabeth Ng antique button ring (Abacus, Portland, ME), and vintage bracelet (eBay).

This stunner of a dress only needs simple yet elegant accessories: equally stunning Ben Amun drop earrings (Personal Pizazz, Berkeley, CA), Elizabeth Ng antique button ring (Abacus, Portland, ME), and vintage bracelet (eBay).

Graduating from my elementary school, really, was the beginning of the journey for me. With each step, graduating from Monache High School, Porterville Junior College, UC Davis, and Syracuse University, along with my two years as a Jesuit Volunteer in Alaska and San Francisco, the world continued to grow bigger and bigger. As I, as an 8th grader, walked across the concrete stage to accept my diploma in front of the grassy area filled with families of immigrant workers and farmers on a warm June evening, my excitement was palpable. Life was opening up.

And so it will for Jacob. Happy 8th grade promotion. Tolstoy nailed it: we experience tiny changes, necessary changes, on the way to a true life.

Close-up: beautiful details, including sequined clutch complementing the dress and jewelry.

Close-up: beautiful details, including sequined clutch complementing the dress and jewelry.

Celebrating Jacob's tiny, mighty change.

Celebrating Jacob’s tiny, mighty change. Now to go confidently into this world!

Teacher magic: reflections on engagement and inspiration

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There are two kinds of teachers: the kind that fills you up with so much quail shot that you can’t move, and the kind that just gives you a little prod behind and you jump to the skies.
– Robert Frost, American poet

My most recent photo of Jacob, at an Oakland A's game on Mother's Day, of course.

My most recent photo of Jacob, at an Oakland A’s game on Mother’s Day, of course.

My son, Jacob, is finishing up eighth grade and will be promoted this Thursday evening. As I ponder the past two years of his middle school life, I am – first of all – amazed at how quickly the time has whizzed by. I think of how much he has grown in his 13th year – physically mostly, but also emotionally. While I’d like to take credit for the good stuff as a parent, I realize that his phenomenal academic year has a lot to do with the growth I’ve had the pleasure and astonishment to witness. I should say more specifically, the two teachers who have made the biggest impact on his academics thus far.

I appointed myself to put together a drive for cards, letters, and donations for our history and English teachers because I wanted us as a parent community to thank them for inspiring our kids. Throughout the year, I have had conversations with numerous parents who have also witnessed the pleasure of their kids being engaged in American history and reading and writing in their English class.

As I wrote my separate letters to the teachers (Jacob wrote out his cards without the usual pushback when I ask that thank you cards be written), I thought about the two teachers who inspired me when I attended my K-8 school.

Sixth grade: unconditional love
Everybody loved Miss Rossow, my sixth grade teacher. Those who were “stuck” in the other class envied those of us who were lucky enough to have been assigned to her class. Miss Rossow was energetic and creative. She nurtured her students and was always positive, which gave us the freedom to do our best and to overextend ourselves. We clamored to please her with our work and our behavior. I remember her reading to us Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in an animated voice and handing out Wonka chocolate bars when she finished the book. For me, she opened up the world of books and imagination.

My 6th grade class picture, with Miss Rossow in the bottom let. I'm in the top row, in the middle.

My 6th grade class picture, with Miss Rossow in the bottom let. I’m in the top row, in the middle.

We knew we had a good thing going, but many times it isn’t until something is taken away that you fully realize what you had. After Christmas break, Miss Rossow didn’t return. We cried. We were sorrowful. We didn’t know what had happened. She wrote the class a letter, letting us know that she had moved to Washington state and was going to get married. She said she would write to us, but she never responded to our stream of letters, which we eventually stopped writing when we realized she had a new life without us. We felt justified in refusing to cooperate with the long-term substitute teacher, and tried very hard to ignore the taunts from the kids in the other class. I remember the long-term sub calling me in during recess and letting me know that she understood that we were giving her a hard time because we were hurt by the sudden departure of our beloved teacher. She acknowledged that she could never rise to such vaunted heights. As one of the “good students,” I was asked to behave and set an example to the other students. I begrudgingly agreed. The rest of the year lost its magic, but I continued to nurture my love of books. [An aside, it wasn’t until years later that I put the pieces together. Miss Rossow had gotten pregnant, which led to a hasty wedding and move. This was, after all, 1973.] I don’t remember what her married name became or in what city in Washington state she settled, but I am forever indebted to her bringing magic into the classroom.

My 8th grade school picture, fall 1975.

My 8th grade school picture, fall 1975.

On becoming a writer
When I was in eighth grade, Miss Lerda was my home-room teacher, but we switched out for language arts and social studies, which was taught by Mrs. Bone. The latter, who wore pants and pantsuits, was unconventional to the point of being hip back in 1975-1976. She was tall and thin, with cropped bleached blonde hair and a pointed nose and a distinctive nasal voice – I can still hear it in my head. She crossed disciplines with her assignments long before it was de rigueur with academic standards. I kept many of her writing assignments. We read about such historical events as the French and Indian War, and then wrote fictional first-person accounts, with students choosing the character to represent. I chose a young American woman living in Schenectady who was about to be married and worried about her beloved soldier. Admittedly, it was very heavy handed and smarmy, but Mrs. Bone applauded me for my imagination and suggested that I become a Gothic romance writer.

The end of school means summer dressing and cool colors - like a silk shift.

The end of school means summer dressing and cool colors – like a silk shift.

We read a lot of Mark Twain, whom I grew to appreciate. We were always reading and writing, and I couldn’t get enough of either. I credit Mrs. Bone for leading me down the path of majoring in English and wanting to be a writer. Love what you do. She was certainly following her passion. My cousin Janet, who is also a teacher, knew Mrs. Bone as a colleague for many years. Mrs. Bone retired within this past decade, leaving behind a robust legacy of having inspired decades of her students.

I realized many years later, as I thought about what I wanted to write in Jacob’s two teachers’ thank-you cards, that I “only” had two teachers who stood out in my K-8 years who truly made a difference in my life – in the classroom and beyond. Perhaps it’s not uncommon to have just a few teachers who have been inspirational. Most of my K-8 teachers were serviceable; I paid attention and did the work, and I was rewarded for my diligence. From a child’s perspective, I couldn’t tell if I had a “bad” teacher – one who didn’t teach what he or she was supposed to teach in that year. How would a child know what was covered in the curriculum? I was unaffected by the few yellers I had as teachers – mostly because I was an obedient student and didn’t think any yelling was directed toward me.

Impacting the rest of your life
When you get those inspirational teachers, however, makes a big difference. Whereas Miss Rossow instilled in me a love of books and opening up my imagination, Mrs. Bone set me up, so to speak, for high school, where you hope you begin the process of critical reading, thinking, and writing. And this is where I believe Jacob got very lucky. His English and history teachers have helped build that foundation in preparation for high school.

Cool accessories for summer: Antique document holder turned necklace (Kate Peterson Designs, El Cerrito, CA), Neeru Goel chalecedony earrings (India), Sundance ring, and KPD sterling silver bangles (El Cerrito, CA).

Cool accessories for summer: Antique document holder turned necklace (Kate Peterson Designs, El Cerrito, CA), Neeru Goel chalecedony earrings, Sundance ring, and KPD sterling silver bangles (El Cerrito, CA).

Last year – I’m forgetting the circumstances for the confessional – Jacob reluctantly admitted to me that he didn’t like to read or write. You can imagine how his words were akin to arrows not only piercing my skin but lodging in major organs in my body. He had no good enough reason other than just not liking either. I wrung my hands. I was confident in his math and science abilities, though he can be lackadaisical in both subjects, but I worried that he wouldn’t have the reading and writing skills required in not only high school and college, but in life, really.

David and I attended Back-to-School Night last September and visited Mr. Aloi’s history classroom and Mr. McCormick’s English classroom. In their presentations, they both outlined what they would cover, what books they were assigning, and what competencies our kids would develop upon completion of the school year. Whereas Mr. Aloi, who is a veteran teacher, was “salty” in tongue and a little goofy, he presented history not as the memorization of people, dates, and events but as stories that uncover human desire and motivation. The kids would learn how to take notes and write coherent papers. If he was as entertaining in his teaching as he was giving his presentation, we knew he had the ability to engage the students. And he did.

Cool silver accessories against muted colors.

Cool silver accessories against muted colors.

Jacob animatedly told many Mr. Aloi stories over family dinners. As one parent told us at our last band concert of the school year, we ought to get the kids T-shirts that say, “Mr. Aloi says….” because they so enthusiastically relate his stories to us parents and families. He gained their trust and he earned his street cred. At Back-to-School Night, he also told us that his classroom was always open. He understood how difficult middle school years are, and he offered his room as a haven for shy kids, for kids who didn’t have any friends. And many kids did hang out in his classroom because they enjoyed being around him. For all that, I say, thank you, Mr. Aloi, for engaging my son and his classmates, and for his new-found appreciation for American history and for him wanting to put in the extra effort on his writing assignments because of that enthusiasm and engagement.

Mr. McCormick, whose half-way rolled-down shirt sleeves partially hid tattooed arms, introduced himself at Back-to-School Night as a former marketing writer for Clorox who went back to school to get his teaching credential. He enthusiastically told us about his love of teaching and astounded us with his desire to teach middle-school age kids. This is his third year of teaching and he was deservedly awarded Teacher of the Year for the district. Throughout the year, unprompted, Jacob would tell me about the books he enjoyed reading, in particular, Lois Lawry’s The Giver. I watched him put effort into his English assignments and he took pride in his grades. Not too far into the school year, he told me that history and English were his favorite subjects. I was shocked by this revelation, coming from a kid who hated reading and writing. Only a great teacher could coax such a statement from a reluctant student. Mr. McCormick seems to have the rare gift of understanding and being patient with middle-school kids, and to boot have the ability to engage them with the subject and his assignments. As a result, he commands their respect.

Inspiration and engagement equals happiness and meaningful fulfillment.

Inspiration and engagement equals happiness and meaningful fulfillment.

While Jacob is ready to move on to high school – albeit mixed with fear of being with older kids and a much bigger campus with more students – there’s a part of him that he admitted to me that will miss his middle school. He had a good year, he related to me wistfully. I know why, and for that, I am extremely grateful.

As parents we have such a big influence on our kids. Teachers and coaches, I read in an article, are the next tier of people who impact our kids. As we enter the last week of school for my son, as we prepare for his eighth grade promotion ceremony on Thursday, I step back to acknowledge my gratitude. I’m grateful for his two teachers for making such a big impression on him – both in the classroom and beyond – and me.

Jane Fischberg: leading a life of service

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Service is the rent we pay for being. It is the very purpose of life, and not something you do in your spare time.
– Marian Wright Edelman, American activist for the rights of children and disadvantaged Americans, and president and founder of the Children’s Defense Fund

Jane, outside the Rubicon offices in Richmond.

Jane, outside the Rubicon office in Richmond, CA.

My friend Jane Fischberg and I have known each other for more than 22 years, when I left my managing editor position at a B2B publishing company to work as an administrative assistant for Lutheran Social Services (LSS) in San Francisco, where she was the administrative director. At the time, I was contemplating going back to social justice work with a master’s degree in nonprofit administration or social work but was advised to work for a nonprofit before making the career change. In the end, I didn’t return to grad school or stay very long with LSS, though two things remained constant from those days – my friendship with Jane and my desire to somehow keep my hand in social justice work. I have always admired Jane for her work and dedication, but in all honesty it was stepping into her world at Rubicon Programs that I gained a greater understanding of her and the largeness of her heart, leaving me humbled and in awe – and proud to be called her friend.

Rubicon staff member catches up with a client.

Rubicon staff member catches up with a client’s progress (photo credit: Pat Garvey).

Leading Rubicon Programs and making a difference
In her professional life, Jane has always worked for social justice organizations, though she has been with Rubicon Programs (510.235.1516, 2500 Bissell, Richmond, CA 94804) the longest, 17 years and running. The primary reason she came to the nonprofit was because she felt that Contra Costa County, especially West Contra Costa County, had few high-capacity community-based organizations, unlike San Francisco. “I continue to feel that that’s true, which helps make me feel like we can make more of a difference,” she said. Rubicon’s multi-disciplinary approach of combining services appealed to Jane, as well as the organization’s size – not so big that she feels like a “cog in a machine” nor so small that she feels the organization is “just a mote of a solution.” As president and executive director, having worked her way up from various leadership roles, Jane says she has been “honored to be in a position where” she “can have an influence.” Not surprisingly, Jane has been honored because of her work, having been named a Woman of Distinction by the East Bay Business Times and recognized as a Distinguished Alumnus by the San Francisco State University’s MPA Department.

Jane finds her work at Rubicon Programs fulfilling (photo credit: Saul Bromberger and Sandra Hoover).

Jane finds her work at Rubicon fulfilling on many levels (photo credit: Saul Bromberger and Sandra Hoover).

Finding inspiration
Jane finds motivation from the people who work at Rubicon. “We’ve got a great team of people; our staff is incredible,” she enthused. She is equally inspired by the stories of the people the nonprofit serves. While much of her work deals with the abstract – developing appropriate program models, theories of change, and strategies to meet funding gaps – tangible touch points such as the monthly graduation for clients who complete the financial opportunity center workshops give her work meaning. “They’re inspiring,” she said. “Meeting program participants and hearing how we’ve had an impact on their lives makes it all worth it.”

To get into the workshop, clients attend information sessions and intake meetings and then undergo review board meetings. In the comprehensive and intensive workshops, clients begin a learning process that includes understanding their attitudes and behavior about money and credit, addressing legal barriers to employment, encouraging and promoting pro-social behavior among them as a cohort, developing behaviors that will be constructive on the job such as conflict resolution with peers and employers, and developing interview skills through mock interviews. “Graduation is just the beginning,” Jane added. Upon graduation, clients are paired with an individual career coach who will help them develop a personalized plan and job search. Homeless clients work with a housing placement specialist. The staff attorney works with clients who have been involved with the criminal justice system, as well as provides credit report and consumer law support. People participate regularly in Rubicon’s job club – a “power hour” in a Starbucks-like environment to share job leads aggregated from the internet.

A Rubicon client who has benefited from the nonprofit organization (photo credit by Saul Bromberger and Sandra Hoover).

A Rubicon client who has benefited from the nonprofit organization (photo credit by Saul Bromberger and Sandra Hoover).

While workshops can only accommodate a certain number of people, Rubicon is still working with clients who have come before and begin working with people who are coming in. “The numbers grow geometrically, so we designed our program to work with people for three years because we know there isn’t going to be a quick fix,” Jane explained. Rubicon experienced what was called the “In and Out Burger” syndrome of getting housing and a job for a client who then returned after a year. “We began looking at this model – the financial opportunity center – working with people over a longer period of time,” she said. “The idea is that hopefully over time people will need less and less support so you can take in more people.”

Facing challenges head on
Many nonprofits struggle to raise funds and are especially hard hit during a recession. But for Rubicon, according to Jane, it’s always been difficult to secure donations, regardless of the state of the economy. The population Rubicon serves is not as universally supported as, for example, animals needing rescue, young children, or the environment, all of which are also important to support, Jane added. Rubicon has been fortunate to secure public contracts that are renewed year over year; however, while the amount of the contract never increases, costs obviously do. “We need individuals to support us so we can continue to meet our costs and to keep up with the increasing demand for services,” Jane explained. Last year, approximately 250 people who came to Rubicon for services couldn’t be served because of the set number of slots for workshops. That number has increased year over year, with a 20 percent increase alone from 2012 to 2013.

Part 1 of Rubicon's awareness program.

Part 1 of Rubicon’s awareness program: “The How.”

Having to adapt and find solutions to the impact of public policies is also a challenge. Whatever belief people may harbor about welfare reform, Jane pointed out that the reality is more children are living in poverty than ever before. That fact coupled with the mass incarceration of people of color, especially men, and its impact on families and communities have made being a child and being a single parent in our society harder than ever. “After welfare reform, people got jobs – low-quality jobs – and many are still living in poverty due to foregoing income assistance benefits,” she pointed out.

Part 2 of Rubicon's awareness campaign.

Part 2 of Rubicon’s awareness campaign: “The Who.”

As far as Rubicon sees it, three segments of society exist: those who will never support the population Rubicon serves, those already on the bandwagon, and those sitting in the middle. “Connecting the dots and telling a compelling story” to the latter group is critical. Rubicon is conducting a public education campaign leading up to its annual gala that focuses on its service to individuals, many of whom have children. “When we help the individual we help the children and the families, and when we help the families we help the community,” Jane explained. “So it’s in everyone’s best interest to help that individual because it will impact them.” When the individual succeeds, the whole community succeeds because streets are safer and children in schools receive more consistent parenting and are in supportive and non-chaotic homes, and more of them live with their parents as opposed to being in foster care. Instead of laying a guilt trip on people, which she points out simply doesn’t work, the campaign is designed to appeal to people’s “enlightened self-interest.” Smiling, Jane noted, “That’s my job.”

Part 3 of Rubicon's awareness campaign.

Part 3 of Rubicon’s awareness campaign: “Rubicon’s impact.”

Our reason for being
Coming from “a place of privilege,” Jane never had to worry about basic needs. Growing up in Massachusetts, the seat of the Kennedy political dynasty, she nevertheless most admired Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm, who represented New York’s 12th Congressional District for seven terms, from 1969 to 1983. “She fought against all odds and broke so many barriers,” she said of the educator and author. The Vietnam War also made an impression on Jane; she found a diary she had kept as a child that contained several entries about her student teachers going on strike because of the war. As she grew up, she saw more and more inequities in the world and came to believe that “if you’re not part of the solution, then you’re part of the problem.”

Jane, her husband, Dan, and her son, Eli, at my wedding in September 1998.

Jane, her husband, Dan, and her son, Eli, at my wedding in September 1998 (photo credit: Art & Clarity).

Jane walks the fine line of ensuring that her son, Eli, knows what her and her husband Dan’s values are but not “hitting him over the head with it.” Now a sophomore at Berkeley High School, Eli volunteers at the annual gala and has participated for the past three years with Soccer Without Borders, an Oakland, CA-based international organization that was set up to provide organized soccer activities for children in refugee camps. In the U.S., the organization provides organized soccer opportunities for refugees from abroad and other children who have scarce resources. Oakland Unified School District funds the local Soccer Without Borders’ summer soccer camp, where Eli serves as a coach, for kids in foster care. “He likes sports and working with kids, and we encourage that,” Jane said. Seeing her son grow up with good values and whose “heart and mind are in the right place” has made her a proud parent.

Being a part of the solution includes being philanthropic. While Rubicon receives Jane’s most generous gift, she also gives to other causes she cares about – protection for wildlife and domestic and farm animals, and other organizations that move people out of poverty. “I really do believe in giving back and I feel like a life of not giving back is not fulfilling,” she said. “I’ve always felt the reason for living is to be of service, so that informed what I’ve always done.”

Clients leave Rubicon with support services and hope.

Clients leave Rubicon with support services and hope.

Editor’s notes: If you would like to make a donation to Rubicon Programs, click here.

Rubicon Honors 2014, Rubicon Programs’ annual gala, is set for tomorrow Saturday, April 5th, 6 to 10pm at the Oakland Rotunda, 300 Frank H. Ogawa Plaza in downtown Oakland. Last year, more than 2,000 children in the East Bay were positively impacted by the work Rubicon Programs did with their moms and dads. This year, Rubicon Programs has set a goal of raising $200,000 to change the lives of 2,100 children who are most in need in our shared community. At the gala, come enjoy live music, wine reception, butlered seasonal hors d’oeuvres, sit-down gourmet dinner and dessert, and the live and silent auction. Individual tickets are $225. It’s not too late; you can still purchase your tickets here.