Labor Day Weekend: a writer’s retreat

Posted on by

In order to write the book you want to write, in the end you have to become the person you need to become to write that book.
– Junot Diaz

Kayaking with dolphins in Morro Bay, Labor Day Weekend, September 2012.

Kayaking with dolphins in Morro Bay, Labor Day Weekend, September 2012.

For many years, I went down to my hometown of Terra Bella for the annual San Esteban Dance and festivities, which was held on Labor Day Weekend. David joined me, and then when the kids were born, going down there became one of our family traditions. San Esteban was the hometown of my father and many of his cousins who came to the United States from the Philippines in the 1920s, and relatives up and down California and even from Hawaii and Illinois would gather in our dusty little town to celebrate being a part of the social club that formed in 1955.

Mixing flaming orange and dusty pink.

Mixing flaming orange and dusty pink.

When my cousin Janet married her husband Tim, 13 years ago in the central coastal town of Cambria, we added another tradition.  David made a gourmet dinner to celebrate their anniversary on the Saturday evening of the long weekend when we came into town and stayed with them. We had been doing this for many years until last year, the first year after my mother’s passing away, when we decided to meet in Cambria for the long weekend and stay in a hostel. The highlight of that trip was kayaking in Morro Bay and watching a family of dolphins boldly play in the bay, with one breaching right in front of our kayak.

We planned to repeat the trip to Cambria, but we ended up adjusting to having Janet and Tim come visit us in the Bay Area. Family matters made us change course once again. This time, we were going to be staying put at home – something we haven’t done in years. While I was at first dismayed by the break in tradition, I also had a mission to accomplish in the month of September, and now I had an entire three days to make tremendous strides toward my goal.

Mixing pink hues and orange: Gorgeous & Green reclaimed vintage earrings (Berkeley, CA), Lava 9 ring (Berkeley, CA), and Anthropologie clear bangle.

Mixing pink hues and orange: Gorgeous & Green reclaimed vintage earrings (Berkeley, CA), Lava 9 ring (Berkeley, CA), and Anthropologie clear bangle.

I wanted to revise my novel one last time over the summer but never got around to it. Work is starting to heat up this fall and I’ll be traveling again for business. But I’m determined to make good on finally finishing my novel this year. My college professor from Davis read my manuscript earlier this year and while he found much to admire, his main criticism was in the novel’s pacing. I wasn’t quite sure what he meant until I dove headlong into the manuscript. After spending the last couple of days in an intense writer’s retreat, I understand what he means and I am fixing the problem in earnest.

I must have spent 12 hours revising one chapter on Saturday, but I did so in a state of rapture and with a singular focus on technical precision. Wearing sweats, not showering all day, not knowing what the rest of the house looked like, not knowing what David and the kids were doing or not doing, and not caring, I was fully living in the world of my characters. I was refining their voices and making clearer the landscape in which they roamed. I was exquisitely enraptured. This is what it’s like to be a full-time writer–if only for the Labor Day Weekend.

Adding a vintage embroidered purse from L' Armoire (Berkeley, CA), and Mea Shadow perforated wedges.

Adding a vintage embroidered purse from L’ Armoire (Albany, CA), and Mea Shadow perforated wedges.

I am almost half-way through the last revision. When I sent out the 600-plus-page manuscript to literary agents back in 2005 and received all rejections, I bemoaned in particular one rejection in which the agent had excitedly requested the entire manuscript after the query only to say it basically didn’t fulfill her expectations. I had failed, you see. The story itself was compelling, but I did not execute on telling the story in an equally compelling way. That’s when I shut down for four years and didn’t write.

Definitely warm enough for shorts this Labor Day Weekend. Mixing lace and bold African patterns.

Definitely warm enough for shorts this Labor Day Weekend. Mixing lace and bold African patterns.

When I look back at the manuscript I sent out eight years, I am heartened because I didn’t execute then but I know I am doing so now. I am a better writer, with a clear perspective, and much-needed maturity. There is palpable power in that knowledge, in revising and replacing inadequate words, sentences, scenes with the right word, the concise sentence, the heartfelt scene, the right touch in all the right places. When I finish this final revision, I know that I can send the manuscript out into the world again with renewed faith and confidence. I’m nailing it.

I’m grateful for this Labor Day Weekend when I can call myself a writer again. Three days, a writer’s retreat (with a Friday Night girls’ night to watch a depressing French film with a good friend who happens to be French and an Oakland A’s baseball game thrown in on Monday) – is there anything more a writer can ask for? You can always ask for more full days for writing, but for now, I am grateful, I am satiated. One more day left.

Bold accessories on navy lace: Horn cuff from Kenya, a present from my sister Heidi; Sundance rings; In God We Trust banded ring (NYC); and reclaimed vintage matchbox and rosary necklace by Ren Lux Revival (Uncommon Objects, Austin).

Bold accessories on navy lace: Horn cuff from Kenya, a present from my sister Heidi; Sundance rings; In God We Trust banded ring (NYC); and reclaimed vintage matchbox and rosary necklace by Ren Lux Revival (Uncommon Objects, Austin).

Behold the summer bouquets, Volume 5

Posted on by

In joy or sadness flowers are our constant friends.
– Kakuzo Okahura, Japanese scholar, from The Book of Tea

Today was my last day of delivering my weekly summer bouquet to Nerissa, a fourth-grader mom who was the winning bidder of my flowers from my son’s middle school auction. Lest you think my garden is still abloom, these bouquets are from earlier in August when I could still eek out a few bouquets during the week.

Mid-August blooms still look great for this auction bouquet.

Mid-August blooms still look great for this auction bouquet.

This is the fourth year I have donated flowers from my garden for either our elementary school or middle school. They help to raise funds for the local schools and bring joy to the recipients. I, too, get a feel-good-deep-down-inside sensation every time I leave the bouquet on the porch. If you have a flower garden, think about doing such a deed for your local school or other worthy organization before the spring flowers sprout.

Blooms hardly able to contain themselves, nearly exploding out of the vase.

Blooms hardly able to contain themselves, nearly exploding out of the vase.

Taking care of dahlias in the fall into the winter
As we turn the corner on September, I know to leave the dahlias alone to completely dry out their stalks and leaves for the next two months. Don’t cut them down to the ground when they no longer flower; they need the rest of the plant to feed the tubers. That’s why I don’t like to look at the garden in the fall. It’s too sad to see everything turn brown and wither.

A mid-August bouquet for the auction.

A mid-August bouquet for the auction. Still going strong….

Living in California, I don’t dig up the tubers. But this winter I’m going to put down a plastic covering to protect them from the rain. I covered my chocolate cosmos last winter, and not only did they survive but they rewarded me with an abundance of tall, healthy blooms.

A silk and velveteen shift full of deep, vibrant flowers.

A silk and velveteen shift full of deep, vibrant flowers.

Next spring, while the tulips are up and the tubers are getting ready to sprout, I’ll lightly fertilize, take care to weed by hand, and rid of the pinchers and cucumber beetles that plagued them this year before they can multiply and do damage. And I’ll be environmentally sound in my approach, using my fingers.

Ayala Bar necklace (Jewish Contemporary Museum, San Francisco), Carmela Rose earrings, Sundance stone ring, Tiffany basket weave ring, Hill Tribe silver cuff.

Ayala Bar necklace (Jewish Contemporary Museum, San Francisco), Carmela Rose earrings, Sundance stone ring, Tiffany basket weave ring, Hill Tribe silver cuff.

And I’ll dream about when they come up again in late spring, and like miracles in a blink they become bushy, then tall and bushy, bearing beautiful blooms – for me to share, for me to give away, Nature’s gifts.

Add silver pointy pumps and vintage Whiting & Davis silver mesh evening bag to your bouquet of flowers.

Add silver pointy pumps and vintage Whiting & Davis silver mesh evening bag to your bouquet of flowers.

‘The Way out is through’: embracing trauma

Posted on by

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
– Buddhist proverb

Inside the historic Hillside Club in Berkeley (photo from Berkeleyside.com).

Inside the historic Hillside Club in Berkeley (photo from Berkeleyside.com).

Last night, my friend Jane and I went to the first author event of the Berkeley Arts & Letters’ Writers, Ideas, Conversations Fall 2013 series at the beautiful and historic Hillside Club (2286 Cedar Street, Berkeley, 94709, 510.848.3227). Mark Epstein, MD, psychiatrist, author, and lecturer on the value of Buddhist meditation for psychotherapy, read sections from his latest book, The Trauma of Everyday Life, and took questions from the audience. The event was a sell-out, and I wondered how many who crowded into the big auditorium came out of curiosity and to learn how they can embrace not only the traumas of their everyday life but the big traumas that many of us hope to somehow “get through.”

Mark Epstein, MD. Author photo for his latest book, copyright Larry Bercow.

Mark Epstein’s author photo for his latest book, copyright by Larry Bercow.

I confess that my understanding of Buddhism is severely restricted to the proverbs that I’ve come across or people have shared with me. I know of enlightenment and the state of nirvana. I read Herman Hesse’s Siddhartha in high school, although now I feel the need to dig up my old copy and reread it, knowing that through wisdom gained from my life’s experiences I’d understand and appreciate the novel more. My limited understanding of Buddhism, however, did not take away from appreciating Epstein’s talk.

I found it immensely interesting that Epstein merges Western psychology and Buddhism, a sort of checks and balance, if you will. The genesis of his most recent book was in trying to figure out the Western world’s attachment theory versus the Buddhist idea of nonattachment. The idea of trauma became the “unifying notion” in understanding the two. In Buddhism, in order to unattach, you have to be in touch with who you are, and that includes both light and dark, joy and sadness. Trauma, Epstein says, is part of our definition of human being. Acknowledging suffering is huge. “The way out is most definitely through,” he said.

A fabulous recycled tire sculpture of an elephant gracing the corner home of Scenic and Cedar avenues.

A fabulous recycled tire sculpture of an elephant gracing the corner home at Scenic and Cedar streets, near the Hillside Club in Berkeley.

Epstein related two stories that resonated with me, filled me with wonder and appreciation. He told the story of a Thai Buddhist teacher who was explaining the idea of nonattachment. He held up a glass and talked about its utility, its beautiful tone when pinged, and the beautiful way it reflected light. The glass, however, is also at risk of being broken. But to the Thai Buddhist, “the glass is already broken, therefore every minute is always precious.” Accepting that notion of impermanence allows you to be more open to accepting trauma. It also allows for attunement of and appreciation for the here and now precisely because nothing lasts.

The second story is a famous Buddhist story, although it was new to me. Kisa Gotami was a mother whose infant son had died. Clutching him to her chest, she could not get over her loss and feared she was losing her mind. She went to the village, begging for a doctor who could give her medicine to bring her son back to life. An old man led her to Buddha, who told her to bring back mustard seeds from a home where no one has died. She went from house to house in vain. In her inquiries, however, she learned about the losses of each villager, she heard their stories. She came to understand that it wasn’t karma that created her fate. She didn’t do anything wrong to have been stricken with so much heartache. She learned from the villagers that there is no permanence in anyone or anything. By the time she returned to Buddha, she was already transformed and ready to accept the truth, which, of course, he led her to.

Dressing up shorts for a warm Berkeley evening.

Dressing up shorts for a warm Berkeley evening.

Following that line of thought, Epstein talked about how trauma therapists teach that “pain is not pathology.” It’s possible, he says, to change how to meet pain. “It’s not what’s happening inside of you, but how you relate to it [pain],” he said. We have a bit of control over how we relate to things. A light went on for me. I remembered the Buddhist proverb that I came across several months ago and embraced, and shared with my kids a number of times: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” I guess what I may have been looking for in the reading last night was Epstein showing us how to meet pain, how to relate to it so that we find our way “through it.” I look forward to reading Epstein’s book and finding my answers there.

Gorgeous and Green reclaimed vintage chandelier necklace (Berkeley, CA) pops in this chocolate brown background.

Gorgeous and Green reclaimed vintage chandelier necklace (Berkeley, CA) pops in this chocolate brown background.

Texture and more texture: patent leather, embroidered shorts, velveteen jacket.

Texture and more texture: patent leather, embroidered shorts, velveteen jacket, reclaimed vintage chandelier necklace, and textile earrings by Paz Sintes of Spain (DeYoung Museum, San Francisco).

Blog housekeeping notes

Posted on by

When we did not move or speak, there was no proof that we were there at all.
– Marilynne Robinson, American novelist, from [one of my all-time favorite novels] Housekeeping

You can't beat a combination like electric pink and baby blue.

You can’t beat a combination like electric pink and baby blue.

I’ve been meaning to post a blog about technical issues, but I couldn’t muster up the enthusiasm to write about blog housekeeping. But it’s time to just do it and check it off my list.

First, good news: My blog post on The Pollination Project was noted in the press page on the foundation’s website in July. If you missed the post itself, click here to read about the wonderful things this foundation funds.

On August 21, Waterlily of Portland, Maine, also shared my blog post about their wonderful conscious trade boutique. On August 16th, Se Vende Imports shared the same blog post, which included my visit to their equally wonderful import boutique. If you missed that blog post, you can get to it here. It is one of my favorite posts that I have written thus far for The Dress at 50.

Second, as if you didn’t know, you can’t post a comment on my blog. For a brief while when I first launched my blog in December, people could comment, and then they couldn’t. I sought the help of a WordPress guru, who couldn’t find the root of the problem. We concluded that the best solution was to install an outside commenting app. Disqus worked marvelously for a month or two – and then friends told me they couldn’t comment. Forgotten passwords, passwords not being accepted, comments actually being accepted but they never got to me to be moderated and never made it on the blog, and so on. Overcome by frustration, they all gave up. I’m not sure why it’s not working for my site, but I have a solution to share.

Against a velveteen blouse: Lava 9 earrings and ring (Berkeley, CA), Anthropologie bangle, and a three-strand necklace by Israeli jewelry designer Ayala Bar (Contemporary Jewish Museum, San Francisco).

Against a velveteen blouse: Lava 9 earrings and ring (Berkeley, CA), Anthropologie bangle, and a three-strand necklace by Israeli jewelry designer Ayala Bar (Contemporary Jewish Museum, San Francisco).

I created a Facebook page in late spring, and while I don’t post every blog I write, I put up a fair number of them. So if you can’t post on the actual blog, you can post via Facebook. You can access my Facebook page here – or www.facebook.com/thedressat50.

That’s it for the housekeeping news – for now. Enjoy your Monday!

Throw in baby-blue and tortoise print matching readers....

Throw in baby-blue and tortoise print matching readers….

Behold the summer bouquets, Volume 4

Posted on by

A Tennyson garden, heavy with scent, languid; the return of the word swoon.
– Margaret Atwood, Canadian poet, novelist, literary critic, essayist, and environmental activist, from The Handmaid’s Tale

August is slowly coming to a close…

Another summer bouquet or the winning bidder at the Portola Middle School auction.

Another summer bouquet from July for the winning bidder at our Portola Middle School auction.

But I still have beautiful bouquets to  share.

More auction flowers.

More auction flowers from late July.

Despite the fact that dahlia season is winding down,

An early August bouquet for the auction.

An early August bouquet for the auction.

I can remember my flowers in full bloom….

As colorful as my bouquets - fuchsia, printed shorts, statement necklace, and embellished sandals.

As colorful as my bouquets – fuchsia jersey shirt, printed shorts, statement necklace, and embellished sandals.

from the photographs I have taken.

Sundance rings, Lava 9 drop earrings (Berkeley, CA), and Anthropologie necklace.

Sundance rings, Lava 9 wooden drop earrings (Berkeley, CA), and Anthropologie necklace.

Thank goodness for Steven Sasson, the electrical engineer who invented the digital camera, for enabling me to preserve and instantly and easily share the bright colors of my bouquets. Happy Friday!

Color and details everywhere in this outfit.

Color and details everywhere in this outfit.

The End of summer, the school bells ring

Posted on by

August rain: the best of the summer gone, and the new fall not yet born. The odd uneven time.
– Sylvia Plath, American poet, novelist, and short story writer

Still shorts weather with silk and brocade.

Still shorts weather with silk and brocade.

Yesterday was the first day of school. This summer the kids didn’t have as many camps as last year, a sign that my 13-year-old is getting too old for camps. As a result, there were a couple of weeks these past couple of months where I was rushing to be ready at a certain time to drive them to their destinations. So the beginning of school marked a change in routine for Rex and me. No more 6:30 AM dog walks, when it was as light as midday. It will take a few weeks before the confusion on his face is replaced by resignation of the non-summer routine – he will have to wait until my lunch break.

It’s still August, but even I have noticed the slant of light changing, how little by little the hours of daylight are receding. Youth travel ball is done for the season. In Major League Baseball, however, teams in tight pennant races are watching the scoreboards. The Oakland A’s are still hanging tough in their division. Powdery mildew, which has invaded my garden early this season, has coated the leaves of my dahlias – a dusting of snow – and dried out their buds. I fear I only have one or two more weeks of bouquets left.

Carmela Rose vintage earrings, Lava 9 chunky ring (Berkeley, CA), and Anthropologie bangles.

Carmela Rose vintage earrings, Lava 9 chunky ring (Berkeley, CA), and Anthropologie bangles.

Fall, autumn, used to be one of my favorite seasons – the crisp air, the changing light, dried corn husks, hay bales, scarecrows, and pumpkins, and Halloween and Thanksgiving towards the end of the season. Fall colors – burgundy, gold, red, and chocolate – for fall dressing. Although here in the Bay Area, with the constant fog, you wear jackets and boots anyway. We get our Indian summer, but it’s still fall to me, the promise of cooler weather to come.

I had many projects planned for summer that went by the wayside: teaching the kids how to cook so they could make dinner and having them review math and write a few essays for me. In the beginning of summer, I took Jacob to watch The Kings of Summer to introduce coming-of-age movies to him and to surreptitiously learn what male adolescence was all about. In the middle of summer a group of his baseball teammates and some of the moms watched The Way, Way Back. I thought it was only fitting to finish off the last day of summer before school started with another movie, making it the final installment of a trilogy of coming-of-age movies. I took the kids to see The Spectacular Now.

Silky flowers and shiny brocade pair up with Frye sandals and accessories.

Silky flowers and shiny brocade pair up with Frye sandals and accessories in muted colors of summer.

Bright primary crayon colors: denim jacket, flowing asymmetrical hem blouse, and shorts are accessorized with multi-color hobo and printed platform sandals.

Bright primary crayon colors: denim jacket, flowing asymmetrical hem blouse, and shorts are accessorized with multi-color hobo and printed platform sandals.

It was a much more serious movie about growing up – and more R-rated than The Way, Way Back. I thought, as we walked home from the BART station, well, at least Jacob doesn’t have to take part II of sex education. After fifth grade, he was surprised that he didn’t have another year of sex education in sixth grade, telling me in a perplexed tone of voice, “They told us what happens when the egg and the sperm come together, but they didn’t tell us how they get together.” While the sex scene in the movie was not graphic, it gave you an idea of how they get together. Oftentimes what’s left to the imagination is more powerful than what’s exposed. The scene seemed long and drawn-out to me, the mortified mom. The kids also learned what happens when you drink and drive. And that drinking can be a way of masking the pain of adolescent loneliness and self-doubt, and growing up when you don’t want to. The title of the movie comes from the way Sutter, the main character, lives his life – not thinking of the future because it’s too scary, but living in the present because life as a high school senior is way more fun and free of responsibilities.

Statement necklace of turquoise and coral purchased from a vendor at the El Cerrito 4th of July celebration.

Statement necklace of turquoise and coral from a vendor at the El Cerrito 4th of July celebration.

Given that last school year flew by, I have no doubt that I will have to hang on tight and live in the “spectacular now,” if I’m to appreciate every inch that the kids grow this year, pay attention to all the things they tell me and hope they continue to talk freely with me, and encourage them to step out of their comfort zone as they explore their independence. Jacob is entering eighth grade, a year out from high school. Isabella is in fifth grade, two years to go until middle school. The end of this summer, this beginning of the school year, is bittersweet. We are hurtling toward that moment when the seasons will be profoundly new and life-changing. So we must say good-bye to summer and welcome fall, living fully in the now.

Break up solid-colored separates with colorful statement jewelry and handbag.

Break up solid-colored separates with equally colorful statement jewelry and handbag.